disk defragmenter

2004-02-20T21:49:00.000-06:00

got up and left..
i have moved to http://indierocker8.blogspot.com...

2004-02-19T14:25:00.000-06:00

ruff ruff
the ppl down the street who are building a pool, have blocked my driveway with thier construction crew for the past 3 weeks or so. now they dont close it down every day. just once in a while. so every morning, i have to wonder. and when i drive past, they all stare. shiver.

today has been a ok day. boring.

i saw lindsay today who told me that ashley is pregnant. WHAT. never in a million years, would i think she would be knocked up. at first i wasnt sure if we were talking about the same ashley but we were. they are getting married and he has a great (he makes money) job. her parents are supportive. it could a lot worse. but i cant wait to see the baby. little feet and little hands.

i heard this song yesterday, so here it is. what a great song! i remember i was really into this song when i liked mark. heheh. ahhh. why, god knows. well actually i know. he was hot.

I would die for you,
I would die for you,
I've been dying just to feel you by my side,
To know that you're mine.

I will cry for you,
I will cry for you,
I will wash away your pain with all my tears,
And drown your fear.

I will pray for you,
I will pray for you,
I will sell my soul for something pure and true,
Someone like you.

See your face every place that I'm walking,
Hear your voice everytime I’m talking,
You will believe in me,
And I will never be ignored.

I will burn for you,
Feel pain for you,
I will twist a knife and bleed my aching heart,
And tear it apart.

I will lie for you,
Beg and steal for you,
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see,
You're just like me.

Violate all the love that I’m missing,
Throw away all the pain that I’m living,
You will believe in me,
And I can never be ignored.

I would die for you.
---garbage---i would die for you

2004-02-18T23:08:00.000-06:00

baroom cleaning
never do i think, "lets clean my baroom (bathroom)." actually the phrase "lets clean" doesnt spring into mind often either. ex: my car; the contents inside or the contents outside. so it is a rare day when i think lets clean 'everything.' my actual plan was to clean the whole upstairs and my car. AH, what was i thinking? but dont worry i didnt. i decided to split up the activities. today after much deliberation and fighting inside my head, my 'minnie mom ocd freak' bashed my 'lazy ass' and at 900 at nite i started cleaning my bathroom. i cleaned everything.

a. the sink.
im one of those lazy asses who actually never bother to wash away the toothpaste. yea, thats me.
b. the toilet.
i actually used a brush, u know, a toilet brush. usually i just squeeze some 409 and pretend its clean.
c. the WHOLE tub.
i always clean the tub, so this was a no biggie.
d. tiles above the tub.
usually i just wash the part of the tub without the tiles and pretend i cant reach higher than 2 feet.
e. the floor
I NEVER CLEAN THE FLOOR. never. usually im like "daddddyyyy, mop the floor for me. plzzzz."

im incredible. i know. too incredible in fact. now i smell like cleaning stuff. err. well off to sleep.

2004-02-18T15:18:00.000-06:00

cheesecake factory
today was a good day. it was the end of the "hellish week." although there are plenty of hellish weeks left of the sem, this one is over and done with. my test in chem was a test. there were probs that i was like WHAT pff and there were some where i was like 'wwwwwwhat! SIBERT WHAT ARE U DOING TO ME?" but i actually finished a test. finished a test. thats incredible considering in dieckmans class, i never never never fucking got even close to finishing a test. we'll get them back on mon. but today, today has been good. it feels good for everything to be over.

finally over.

after the test, we went to cheesecake factory. we often go to cheesecake factory, for fun, amusement, and good food. so we are seated really close to the couple next to us. from looking at them, we automatically notice a. republicans b. baptist christains (amys guess but i agree) c. ignorant pieces of shit. we sit and we talk, blah blah. on the tv, howard dean shows up. we talk about him for a second (i shit u not) and the begg of the end starts.

comments these fuckers said: no particular order--as they come to me.
1. "cornfuckles." or something like that. ill ask amy later.
2. "HISTORICALLY, the poor have had an easier time with democrats. i wonder why that was."
3. "howard dean, why some one ought send him to the moon. they need ppl in nasa."
4. "....she was going to vote for gore so i asked her what she was doing...."

(after i talk to amy, ill get some more. i think i blocked out most of it.)

after the 'historically' statement amy gets up and asks for new seats. and so we move. why? that was the responsible, democrat thing to do. what we would have loved to do is tell the ignorant pieces of shit how dumb they were. and they were dumb. dumb ass bitches. in honor of that, we get some cheesecake. yum. then we walk around stonebriar. get stalked by some ugly ass guys.

recitation was over quick cause all we had was a quiz.

koodos to amy for my "dem" sticker. way too fucking cool.

So it's over now, finally.
I'm beneath
I'm crawling out
On my knees.

I can hear what you said
Echoing in my head.
And I'm losing... myself.
Now I'm cold on the floor
I don't care anymore.
Cuz it's over... it's over

(I can feel. I can feel)
(Like it's real. Like it's real)
(I can feel. I can feel)

Now I can finally feel.
So I guess it's over now.
And you broke me down somehow.
Now I'm faltering.
I can see - I can be
I can leave and shut you out.

So I'm leaving now- somehow.
Underneath
As I slowly drown- finally

I can here what you said
Echoing in my head.
And I'm losing... mysef

(I can feel. I can feel)
(Like it's real. Like it's real)

I'm shaking deep inside.
I'm having trouble breathing.
I need somewhere to hide
Away cuz I am heaving.
I'm having trouble breathing.
Tomorrow I am healing

So I guess it's over now.
And you broke me down somehow.
Now I'm faltering.
I can see - I can be
I can leave and shut you out.
---trust company---finally

2004-02-17T10:06:00.000-06:00

rhet
im in college, sitting in class, sitting on the computer, thinking about nothing. nothing. ahhh goood timmmmesss. good times. i should be using this time to, oh i dont know, study for the test i have tommorrow. (which after some sleep i have overanalysed to be nothing of deep importance.) well it is, isnt it. i should study. should study. fuck that.

2004-02-16T22:44:00.000-06:00

five star
as if the lack of iq itself in my brain wasnt enough of a pain in the ass, lately i have been fogetting everything. memory has always been one of those things that i would cling too for the inclination of being "smart." if that goes, what is left? i suppose some creative abilities in the areas of drawing, writing and such. but that has served me no real purpose. as i recall, i only got a b- in world lit. that paper was the motherfucker. the teacher was a motherfucking bitch pussy ass horse shit bitchfuck.

im staring into my five star chem notebook thinking how i could gain 4 pounds in one day. when i enter the pantry every day to grab a coke, cookies, or various items usually marketed as "junkfood," i check my weight. as i held the can of diet dp in one hand, menacingly scrutinizing my dad for not buying regular, i placed myself on the scale (it took me 5 min {i shit u not} to remember the word 'scale'). WHAT, i screamed, in a high pitched squalor. for many days...weeks, i have lacked the will power to realize how 'snug' my jeans have become. blaming the washing machine/dryer served me fine these past few days....weeks. i will not go back to where i was last year this time. but i cant remember where i was then either, so huh, stuck. but still, i need to work out. cut down on calories and work out starting now.

i have a test on wed in chem. (the test in macro, which i took 3 hrs ago, allowed me to: a. able to sit next to incredibly drunk guys, one engaged, & one with 68 'bangles.' b. not sit next to adorable guy. c. wish i had a clue what negative externality is; but dont fret, i made up some shit. how about that? d. realize that true and false qs are a bitch.) in terms of chem, i wish i had some more time. i really do. some time as in maybe an extra week, month, or so. we went over some stuff today and all i could think was what? exactly what the fuck is this, dr. sibert. i mean, w-h-a-t. the more i think about chem, the more i realize i need to study. but as lazinnes runs thru my souless/heartless veins, i am incapable of getting off this computer. bc all i really want to do is sleep. ill admit it. all i want to do is sleep. but i know tommorrow at exactly this time, as i sit in front of the computer pissing about how i dont know anything for the test, which is only 12 hrs away, i will remember this moment and call myself a fucking dipshit. (self deprecation is what i do best.) but i have chosen the path of non-studying to study all day tommorrow. if i dont know enough of chem by tomm, well then fuck chem. all i can think about is switching majors!

2004-02-16T14:16:00.000-06:00

procession
my rather "plantitive" mood has left me in the gutters of insanity. im experiencing hell as i call it. i have a test in macro in 4 hours. wow, much more time than i had expected. i have a test in chem on wed over alot of stuff which i do not recall. and i cant find a job. the finding a job thing is bothering me the most for some odd reason. chem should be bc that is the most important after this test in marco, which after considering i have 4 hrs, mite result in a semidecent grade. i only wonder where i am to get the motivation for all of this? college = decreasing motivation = decreasing gpa = cant see the end = need a break = sleep = time for nap? = no = depressed.

if i cannot see you from afar
look into your eyes, that hint of depth
hidden inside

if i cannot hear you from afar
whisper in my ear, rest assured that
you are near

and i know not what it's like
the aforementioned
for the distance between us
as are the stars, i only have you
in my imagination
in my imagination
just to love you
from afar

if i cannot kiss you from afar
press against your lips, taste the
sweetness of your breath

if i cannot touch you from afar
hold you in my arms, keep you warm
and safe from harm

though our circumstances
cause separation
in the absence
there's a presence in my heart
i will surrender, i'll surrender to my
quiet contemplation
my quiet contemplation
i'll just, i'll just love you
from afar

there must be a better way
a better way of passing the time
'cause' i can't seem to get her out
get her out of my mind
---Van Halen----From Afar

2004-02-14T17:37:00.000-06:00

odyssey
i keeping think about how things were the beg of November. maybe its to waste time bc im too lazy to study or maybe its cause im dumb. small things remind of stephen. lately, we have discussed how he is trying to be our friend again. i have no proof; i know nothing of the sort. but he has done many such things to make my mind wonder if this true or not. i could be imagining or over-analyzing or making this into something it shouldnt be, but in the end, i hate him.

2004-02-14T15:46:00.000-06:00

Erie
Sun and Moon in Taurus
You were born with both the Sun and the Moon in Taurus. You are a quiet and persistent individual. You never give in to irrational impulses, unless your patience has been tried to its limits. Once you set your mind on a goal you are driven by such strong determination that you are assured of reaching it. You like clear, well-defined, solid ideas, and tangible things.

Because it is so important to you, you will acquire wealth all through your life, and your daily activities will involve handling tangible goods.

It is likely that you are a highly sensuous person, deriving much pleasure from knowledge and from the experiences of your senses. You are sociable, and able and willing to help others with their problems.

Though you possess the patience of Job, you may explode with volcanic force when you reach the limits of your patience. Since so much of your nature is placid and steady, these outbursts can wreck your inner equilibrium and should be avoided.

Ascendant in Capricorn, Saturn in the Tenth House
At the time of your birth the zodiacal sign of Capricorn was ascending in the horizon. Its ruler Saturn is located in the tenth house.

The sign of Capricorn denotes an existence in which temperament is very important. You will give an image of ambition, persistence, will power, consistency and perseverance. You were born with the tendencies to seek material, social, and, perhaps, even political power.

Capricorn tends to a challenging life which forces you to exert all your resources in order to triumph. Because of your tact and prudence, you will be favored with the good will of important people.

Your mind is egocentric, rational and you have a natural tendency toward scepticism. Able to work hard, you will bear obstacles and frustrations with patience.

You will proceed with prudence in your love life and in all other activities. You will seriously consider all of the ramifications of a relationship, especially the aspects of your independence, and you will not commit yourself to a partner until you are sure of your choice. After that however there is a tendency to conduct a peaceful and quiet life.

You are very economical in your daily activities, and if you do not exert some control over this trait, it could appear as rather mean.

You are best placed in governmental, municipal, political, or large business organizations where hierarchy is very exactly defined. The key word for your professional orientation is responsibility.

This position indicates a striving for political or social power. Your attitude towards higher pursuits will be meditative and rational. You will be inclined towards philosophical and scientific activities, losing interest in reform and politics. A rise in life would be nevertheless difficult. Saturn is slow and gives accomplishments only after much hard work and perseverance.

Moon in the Third House
The Moon appears in the third house at the time of your birth Your intellect is very sensitive to external events always changing and adjusting to the situation.

Memory is strong and of a pictorial nature. The mind, however, is liable to become too subjective and shallow with an overemphasis on superficial learning and with little practical use or lacking in intellectual sensibility. On the favorable side, there exists a vast reservoir of creativity which could be successfully applied to such pursuits as writing and poetry. Physically, the Moon will give you an intensely active life full of changes, mobility and fluctuations.

The demands of this position are simple: exert yourself in acquiring better control of your unstable and persistent imagination, increasing, thereby, powers of concentration and you will find delightful improvements not only at a mental level, but also in the ability to communicate with others more realistically.

Venus in the Third House
Venus was in the third house of your horoscope at the time of birth. You are keenly interested in the creative arts, and your thoughts and words are surrounded by a halo of beauty, taste, and proportion. Your mind actually feels the emotions connected with nature and the higher aspects of things human. Venus here augurs pleasant and kind relations with members of your family; the disposition of your intellect is congenial, youthful, and attractive.

The keys to a better integration of both your mental and emotional functions consist of deepening your personal relationships and of turning the mind inward so that you may be able to know the world better by means of true self-knowledge.

Sun in the Fourth House
The Sun appears in the fourth house at the time of your birth. This is an indication that parental name, family affairs and other domestic matters are of the utmost importance in your life.

Sun brings honor, pride, and fame to anything under its influence, and it is indicated that the problem of these influences here is that proper success for you cannot materialize until you are well past your mature years. There appears to exist a very strong attachment to one of your parents.

You believe in being the "ruler" in your home, and the sense of privacy is extensively developed in your nature.

As life passes you will experience illuminating insights connecting your individuality with certain racial and family elements. Study them. You will then perhaps discover the nature of the spiritual mission which destiny requires of you.

Saturn in the Tenth House
Saturn was found in the tenth house at the time of birth. This a very challenging position for a person who seeks worldly success. The inhibiting powers of Saturn are expressed in a heavy, cautious, and very serious personality. Many of the limitations that will arise throughout life result from your own psychological disposition which is oriented to narrow bounds. The key to a satisfactory solution of the various problems that will arise throughout life lies in your ability to endure difficulties with patience.

Inwardly there are ambitions, aspirations, and thrift; properly projected these psychological characteristics could yield power, an image of pride, and a perpetual craving for material objects and worldly wealth.

2004-02-14T11:26:00.000-06:00

plausible question
how do you make a snowman?

rather dumb q. i understand yet, i live in tx. so how do u make a snowman. i tried gathering snow and put it on top of another. then i tried putting it in pots and pans. then i just threw snow around pretending i had someone to throw it too. wow, pathetic. thats ok. i already knew i was. snows pretty much melting now. ahh but i had fun and drenched. my hands were so cold. its really easy to make a snowball, i just realized. when you would watch (in the movies) ppl fighting, id be like oh can u really make a snowball that thick. hell yea u can. wow. the amazement of H2O particles. ahhh good times. i want to go back out there. hmm. should i? um yea no. thats ok.

2004-02-14T10:42:00.000-06:00

ITS SNOWING IN TEXAS
when the meterologist said there will be snow in tx, never did i think it would be snowing in dallas and there would be an accumulation of the snow, too. BUT THERE IS!!!! and its still coming. how wonderful. how wonderful.

our county wasnt supp to get any snow. but WE DID. ahahahah.

my camera doesnt have any battery left, so i cant take a picture. boo boo. but thats ok. im going out and im going to play in the snow (by myself) and make a snowman. im going to make the biggest snowman i can. ill get frostbite, but i dont CARE. i want to make myself a snowman.

see, i think this is the perfect valentines day. well not for me but, i mean perfect if u have a bf or significant other who you can go out in the snow with and fool around with and then go inside and curl up with hot cups of cocca. how cute. i think playing in the snow is so much better than a romantic dinner. but thats just me.

It's been seven hours and fifteen days
since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
since you took your love away
since you've been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
but nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues,

'cause nothing compares
nothing compares to you

It's been so lonely without you here
like a bird without a song
nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
tell me baby where did I go wrong?
I could put my arms round every boy I see
but they'd only remind me of you
I went to the doctor guess what he told me
guess what he told me
he said girl you better try to have fun
no matter what you do
but he's a fool

'cause nothing compares
nothing compares to you

All the flowers that you planted mama
in the backyard
all died when you went away
I know that living with you, baby, was sometimes hard
but I'm willing to give it another try

nothing compares
nothing compares to you
---sinead o'connor---nothing compares to you

2004-02-13T17:37:00.000-06:00

peace prize
i consider myself an intelligent person. i know things about politics. but i missed something so incredibly, incredibly ludicrous and wrong, that my jaw dropped with the sudden jolt of the news. now if ure a democrat/liberal like me, you need to sit ur ass down bc u will be shocked beyond doubt. SHOCKED.

bush is being nominated for nobel peace prize. nobel peace prize? those are reserved for ppl who help ppl, not fuck ppl over for selfish reasons. it should be given to someone who cares about the world.

i cant write anymore because ive had such a horribly tiring day.

but ill write later. or tomm. all i want is sleep. sleep.

forget today every happened.

we saw brett. AHHHH BRETT in his pj's, thats as close to seeing his boxers. ohh man. hes so hot. HOOOOOOOOOOT.

we described what kind of man sibert IV really is. a wonderful, sexy, snacy dresser, sexy voice, who will cook u breakfast in bed kinda man.

but still got to go. youth. boo. boo. boo.

2004-02-12T22:16:00.000-06:00

thunderous thighs
well hello folks. i have officially gone back to 121. oh thank god. but dont worry i dont look it. me and my "thunderous thighs" are still fat. and today i certainly tried to eat healthy. well at least till i went to albertsons for yogurt, cereal, and bluberry bagels. i wanted yogurt since my SI, mona, whose incredibly thin, was eating it. so it made me feel sick for being fat and not eating it. then i wanted cereal cause theres none in the house, and im back to liking honey nut o's again. then bagels, hm. i just wanted some bagels. i can never eat more that half but i can eat them on the way to school, so i can sleep an extra 15 min which i would spend bf in the morning.

wow. i just spent an hour watching the jewel heist in belgium in the diamond district. damn i love heists.

tv and computer are bad things. i just went to see the last part of the apprentice and then saw that. and now im here, writing about nothing to no one. good times. good times.

2004-02-12T10:48:00.000-06:00

AODJFNA'SDIOFNA'SDK
FUCKING SHIT. i hate school. i do. but heres the catch. im not there. no im fucking not. here i am, at home, sitting on the computer, in the chat room named "prosecution." things that im annoyed about:

a. my PARTNER isnt here. geesh, what a suprise. but dont worry, its only going to fuck him. not me.
b. this is not a normal chat room. im so annoyed with it. u have to type " everything u want to say anything.
c. ppl have fucking long ass names such as
1. duchess_of_Vanholt/Bad_Angel
2. horsecoasrser/duke
3. mephosophilies(Brett)
now imagine typing those names five million fucking times bc the computer "cannot understand" what u said.

IM OUT. OUT. FUCING DONE. IF PPL WERE A LITTLE BIT NICER, IMAGINE THE HOW NICE THE WORLD BE.

DAMN FUCKERS.

some ppl should be shot imm, like the morons in my rhet class. the rage in me needs to calm down. but i have to go for chem. i need to shop. shopping. breathe.

You can't save me from myself
You can't save her
You're lucky if you save yourself
Do yourself a favor
---gary jules---lucky

2004-02-11T20:01:00.000-06:00

fries
dont try to tell me french fries doused in ranch dressing isnt healthy or ill smack ur face. dont be in denial like the rest of the world. carbs = fat = tasty = filling = cellulite = thunderous thighs = fuckoff.

my parents want last sems grades. what for, i wonder? i suppose i must just give it to them. what can i do? whats done is done. i did well in some classes. well except theater, lit, and chem. but its all chems fault. i worked so hard in one class that i refused to accept that those exist. not my fault. damn u dickman, still screwing me over, it seems.

ahh good times.

being a lawyer isnt out yet. im thinking of how to break the news to my parents. hi, guess what. im done in chem, bio, all that good, rite stuff. im moving to the wrong side of town. im going to be a lawyer. thanks for all the support ill pack my stuff rite away.

2004-02-11T12:01:00.000-06:00

brrrr!
its fucking cold. of course its only in the 30-40's but i live in tx. it shouldnt be this cold here. wheres the sun! the sun, i miss you! im ready for 104. im so ready.

today has been so boring. our cal teacher informed us that he doesnt have the test and will give us an 'anti'-curve, as i call it. i hadnt expected a curve, but when he mentioned it, i become vaguely interested, thinking this would help my grade. how wrong was i! never i have encountered this type of "curve." apparently he will fail 1/3 even if the didnt fail due to the curve. then 70-95 will recieve a B. 95-100, will recieve an A. what the fuck is that! dumbfucker. im enraged. i dont do well on math tests; what the fuck are u trying to do to me fucker. huh? if only i could bitch slap ur ass. in chem, im doing bad. i need to step up and do well again.

we're drinking our lives away
I think it was better yesterday
that was when I had a hold on life my goals and my dreams
a straighter mind a straighter way to think you know what I mean

but now it's gone
now it's gone
now it's gone and I want it back
it's motivation that I lack
and the will power that I need
to set me free

it makes my life a little easier
it takes away my daily pains
so what if it makes me think of the bad
that's not the only thing I've had
only on my mind hears my confessions
but i was wrong
i was wrong
and now its gone
and i want it back
its the motivation i lack
and the will power that i need
to set me free

but now it's gone and I want it back
it's motivation that I lack
and the will power that I need
to set me free
to set me free

but now it's gone and I want it back
it's motivation that I lack
and the will power that I need
to set me free
i wanna be free
to set me free
i wanna be free
---mest---beer

2004-02-10T22:19:00.000-06:00

blank
im staring into my chem notebook, blanking into oblivion, listening to norah jones "turn me on." to whom? no one of course. pathetic lifestyle: perfect description of my life.

college, i hate you.

for some time, i have been wondering what my future entails. what does it hold? something i cant imagine is what i want. i have dreamt these great fanatsies and it saddens to realize that life isnt in such a way. everyday i involve myself in finding things that are unique to myself, to thinking random thoughts to the extremity that it shouldnt be thought. but at the end of the day, im as lost as i was at first. i glance into the mirror, thinking the same thoughts as yesterday. maybe the steps are too small to be known, but one has to wonder, when it will come together. when will i awake thinking, i am free. that is what i want, i suppose most in life, freedom. at most times, i feel constricted by life. same old story. i suppose i can change all that, but what then shall i do. what am i aspiring too?

2004-02-10T12:14:00.000-06:00

lawyer
i suck at being a lawyer in class. so that profession is out too.

im starting to get a headache. not good, since i have plenty of things to accomplish today and not a lot of time to do it. bring it on, hw. should i take a nap? hm. maybe not. ill eat something and start today soon.

i worked out today morning. 28 min on the bike. its wasnt horrible enough to where i will quit. just made me feel better that im stoppin myself from being fat. that is all.

Where do I take this pain of mine
I run but it stays right by my side

So tear me open, pour me out
These things inside they scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me until it sleeps

Just like a curse, just like a stray
You feed it once and now it stays
Now it stays

So tear me open, but beware
There's things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me until I'm clean

It grips you so hold me
It stains you so hold me
It hates you so hold me
It holds you so hold me
Until it sleeps...

So tell me why you've choosen me
Don't want your grip
Don't want your greed
Don't want it

I'll Tear me open, make you gone
No more can you hurt anyone
And the fear still shakes me
So hold me until it sleeps

I don't want it.....NO

It grips you so hold me
It stains you so hold me
It hates you so hold me
It holds you, holds you, holds you
Until it sleeps...

So tear me open, but beware
The pain's inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me til I'm clean

I'll Tear me open, make you gone
No longer will you hurt anyone
And the hate still shakes me
So hold me until it sleeps
Until it sleeps
Until it sleeps
Until it sleeps
---metallica---until it sleeps

2004-02-09T17:06:00.000-06:00

if ever
i havent mention that i hate macro. let me tell you now. i do.

things i will not pursue as a career:
economics, or anything related to the factors of production; how/why charts change;

i dont give a rats ass. i think chem is more interesting than this shit.

did i mention i have class in some time and i have yet to finish chapter 3 as planned. i was watching the oprah pop star thing; i wont lie, it was good. well some, except the bitch who sang "son of the preacher man." who is she appealing too? the 10% of country hicks living in trailer parks on thier afternoon breaks? i like country music, dont get me wrong. but that song is a piece of shit song to be singing on oprah. shes not clever nor is she brilliant.

i think, rather than work, ill sleep for an hour. not alot of time, but enough to get me rested enough for a 3 hour class.

2004-02-09T13:32:00.000-06:00

incest
I keep hearing about all these stories involving incest, and I hink what the fuck? sickness. the edge talked about this father/daughter couple who "cant keep thier hands off each other" even though they are court mandated to stay away. their neighbor at a the motel had to call them in bc the "noise" was too much. what the fuck?

ive had a interesting day.

yesterday, me and amy studied chem and we did study. but, i didnt study as hard as i should have. bc we got a "dieckman" style quiz and i failed. the amt of times i failed dieckmans quiz wasnt more than 3, and in sibert class, ive already failed one; two considering todays. i didnt prepare as well as i should have. i knew that. i sat in cal, reading over my notes, not paying attention to scotts lecture. we did some funky stuff too. so im screwed in two arenas. but as i sat in siberts class, i realized that things have to change. and things will. from now on, im working hard in chem. im not going to sit around and fuck with it. full concentration, full listening in class, full writing notes down that are important. im going to start studing for the test. im going to be ready. i dont like to fail, and i wont anymore. bring it on!

plans:

mon--macro
tues--lro, faustus, chem, cal
wed--chem, lro,
thurs--chem, lro, faustus
fri--chem
sat--chem, faustus
sun--chem, macro
mon--MACRO TEST; macro, fautus
tues--FAUSTUS TRIAL; chem
wed--CHEM TEST, faustus
thurs--FAUSTUS TRIAL

so after the debacle of a school day i had, i went to willowbend to drop the application off at caswell. after i did, i walked by crabtree and ?, and asked if they were hiring. since i followed my gut, they were. i guess i do follow my gut. freako mister at urban outfitters! eh. so it ended up that they really need ppl and i really need a job. she said that she would make sure that they district manager would look at my application and would call me back. so if i dont get a call between fri-sat, im still unemployed. but im freaking out that i didnt put my # rite. i always do this, so ah, what can i do? if i dont get a call, ill just go back up there next mon. shopping will help my mood on mon anyway. next week will be a stressful week. i kept saying "i really need a job" over and over again. i think she felt sorry for me, but i felt sorry for her. she and this other grl have been running the store by themself. ehw. well, i need a job. so empathy works for me.

The night will come
and rip away,
her wings of innocence through every word we say
maybe it's time,
to spit out the core of our rotting union
hopefully before it chokes
us to our senses.

Guess it's too bad,
that everything we have
is taken away.

Swim in the smoke
the hero will drown
intoxicating beauty tears everything down
but still our hands are
bound at the wrist
this romantic tragedy is suffocating from your fist,
in a sea of fire.

Guess its to bad,
that everything we have
is taken away.

Hero, Hero, this word you'll never know

Guess its to bad
that everything we have
is taken away.
Away, away, away. They're taking it away
---story of the year---And The Hero Will Drown

2004-02-08T19:34:00.000-06:00

pie
pie is always good. food is good. but bad if you eat too much. and i have lately been eating a little too much. i need to cut back and exercise. exercise is not fun though. lets be honest. i am lazy. not just that. i hate to sweat. i really do. sweating = egh = discomfort = sweating. that is the formula for laziness and fatness.

but eating translates to what emotionally? what does it mean? am i lonely? in need of a bf? quite sure thats true. what else. im tired of being alone. im starting to wonder whats out there. misery encompassed with lonliness and stress; thats how i feel. school is starting. im tired of not finding a job. i want to get some money so i can finally get started and move out. i need to move and start a new part of my life. i want to be more independent. i want to get out there and explore what this world offers. but here i am. stuck due to the constrictions that are placed on me. if only i could get out, get some money. i want to gain some expierences. i want to have things to talk about. i want to learn more about the world. i want to find what i want to do. but what is it? what do i want to do? what insight am i missing? is it staring me in the face? am just avoiding it? what what what. confused.

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
Livin’ alone
I think of all the friends I’ve known
When I dial the telephone
Nobody’s home

All by myself
Don’t wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And loves so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

All by myself
Don’t wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don’t wanna live
All by myself
Anymore

When I was young
I never needed anyone
Making love was just for fun
Those days are gone

All by myself
Don’t wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don’t wanna live
Oh
Don’t wanna live
By myself, by myself
Anymore
By myself
Anymore
Oh
All by myself
Don’t wanna live
I never, never, never
Needed anyone
---celine dion---all by myself

2004-02-06T23:24:00.000-06:00

why bother
as an eighteen year old grl in college, one would think my life consists of partying and late nite cramming. i do neither. although last nite, as i lay in bed, i was suddenly shocked at my lack of knowledge for the calculus test today. yet, i place that in my "anial geek" category. but here i am.

18
sitting at home
on the computer
with no bf or significant other nor is there anyone in contention for the sport
living w/my parents
my best friend already into the land of dreams
cleaning my glasses
listening to offsprings "gone away"
feeling fat

so what should i ponder this late at nite? what great thought should i overanalyse till the brink of insanity to regain the uselessness it once had upon me.

do i believe in karma?
no.
why?
it always seems to kick you in the ass, if u say 'oh, im having a great day.' it eventually turns into piece of shit. but the moment u say "...," dont u also think, 'oh fuck my day is going to be screwed cause i said that.' and the tinyest thing can be turned into the notion that it this day is bad. sometimes when we say "god, that kid is ugly." you are stating the truth. is the truth wrong? bc, that is a valid OPINION. thats all. and beauty is really in the eye of the beholder. someone is going to think my kid is ugly and u know what it just mite be me. so i will go on stating the truth, professing my views upon near dwellers who didnt want me to expel my opinion on them.

the biggest question i want to figure out is what to do with my life? there are so many possiblities. there are things im interested in. there are things, i would like to do, but the question 'would i be good at it' overwhelmes the thinking part. at the moment, im doing bio. for my parents really. if not that, what would i do? who knows. things i do well. ..................... um. i dont know. ok im fallin asleep. tommorrow is french toast day. woohoo. i love sat mornings.

2004-02-06T14:23:00.000-06:00

ancy
im so fucking annoyed. reasons listed below:

a. i finished the cal test in 15 min and now im convinced that the were many trick questions. and i felt good, so u know that i sucked. the question that remains: how bad did i fail it? he didnt ask many things. i was prepared, but how prepared should i have been to realize the trick qs. each question was 12.5 pts. there are 2 q, that im shaky about. 1 was about the limit of the derivative eq. and the other was the q about discontituity. im at a 75 at the moment. well thats not good. why didnt he give more qs? fucker.

b. i have had one of the hardest labs ever. it fucking took forever. our solution would not clear, and all we wanted was a clear solution. that is all. A-L-L. and dumbass republican lee fucker would ask us inane REAMARKS/qs about why it wasnt clear.
1. "the beaker is too big," when he didnt specify except to say "small beaker." it was a small beaker. dumb bitch.
2. "u didnt add in water and acid," when we fucking did many many many times. he saw us too. he added some too.
3. "dont stir too much."
4. "how much al did you cut off?" '.5' "realllllly, .5" i wanted to kick him. what the fuck would i say .5 if i didnt cut off and MEASURE .5 you stupid bitch of al FOIL PAPER. i wanna take that head and use it for soccer. or just smash it. repeatedly. how the fuck could u marry that piece of shit? no kiddin, how could you marry him? i would slap him every time a dumb bitch statement came of mouth.

c. as i came home, my parents were just coming from the grocery store. but wheres the food? nothing to eat. and im starving. STARVING.

To know you is to hate you
So loving you must be like suicide
I don't mind if you don't mind
I’m not the one that's going to die
I guess I just can't listen
To this one sided conversation again
cause I don't care if I don't care
No one ever said that life is fair

Everybody loves a joke
But no one likes a fool
And you're always cracking the same old lines again
You're well rehearsed on every verse
And that was stated clear
But no one understands your verity

The center of attention
Got an honorable mention once again
Congratulations and salutations
You're a figment of your own imagination

Everybody loves a joke
But no one likes a fool
And you're always cracking the same old lines again
You're well rehearsed on every verse
And that was stated clear
But no one understands your verity

To know you is to bait you
And you fell victim to your own denial
I don't mind if you don't mind
If youre wasting all your time
---green day---jack ass

2004-02-05T20:03:00.000-06:00

what else is there to say?

1) Brett laughed at something I said while we were being tutored (this
proves he was listening)
2) He was totally interested in the idea of playing poker with us
(probably strip, no less).
3) Brett left for class and called Kenny because we didn't have a
parking pass and he didn't want us to get towed away.
4) When he came back, he basically appologized for the "mess" of his
dirty clothes. (It sure as hell was no mess to us)
5) He agreed to go to dinner with us, and was damn excited about it.
6) He felt bad that we let him sit up front in the car
7) He talked about being pulled over and being "nekked" because he had
gone STREAKING.
8) He introduced himself to you and shook your hand
9) He opened the door for us and acted like it wsa totally the normal
thing to do.
10) when we got in there, has asked for the "drinking section."
11) he is the kind of guy who is courteous and polite
12) he showed me his tatoo
13) on the way back he told us he wants to teach HUMAN SEXUALITY.
14) he drives STICK SHIFT
15) he has a great sense of humor
16) he totally thanked us for dinner
17) HE ASKED US IF WE WANTED TO STAY AND HANG OUT.
18) he got you a mint because he saw that you didn't have one.
---amy

in case u havent noticed, i had a wonderful day. wonderful. wonderful day.

2004-02-05T12:38:00.000-06:00

penguin
im being dumb and not doing my hw. today i will be very busy, and for some reason i have convinced myself, it would be more productible to sit on my ass and write about my day, rather than finish the many things i have to do.

in a couple of hours im going to get 'help' from kenny, but more importantly i will see brett, if things go rite. which i hope will happen. but i dont know how long it is going to take for that whole thing.

things i have to do today:
1. cal test
2. pre lab
3. add to anthrax

i should be home by 7, yet, its 'must see tv.' i hate 'must see tv' ever since they took scrubs out for trumps shit. i dont enjoy friends to any extent as the rest of the nation, yet i like to know what is going on. so i will end up taping it, but im lazy and ill do anything instead of studying. its hard to get back into the swing of things. its hard to tell yourself that tv doesnt matter as much as your cal test. no it fucking doesnt. i have tell myself that. and i will. i have so many things to do, and im too lazy to do it all. good times. good times. suck it up, nissy. SUCK IT UP AND DO IT.

ill do prelab in the car w/ ames. and while trumps shit is playing, ill add to anthrax.

so in rhet, we're doing a project where we put faustus on trial for something. i have been rattling in my head what part to take. should i take the easy way out or should i take the hard way? i decided that i have to pucker up and do the hard thing. so dan goes "prosecution" and a quiet moment fills the class. then all of a sudden, i say fuck it, and raise my hand. as i raise my hand, so does this other guy and conservative john. me and ricardo get picked for it. from looking at him, im immediately discontent bc i feel like he wont take it serioulsly as i will. but then, i say to myself, he did volunteer for that, he mite work. after class, I go up to him, and the following conversation happens:

me--- "so what do u think we should convict faustus for?"
him---"i dont know."
me---"yea, me neither. do u want to get together to work on it?"
him---"eohhh, should we?"
me--- "well um, yea."
him---"when."
me---"im free most of the time, so its up to u."
him---silence
me--- "umm, ok."
him---"yea."
me---"ok u know what ill give you my number and you can call me if you think of any charges, ok."
him---"ok."
me---"yea."

great. im so not going to care what the fuck he does. ahhh why couldnt john or johnathan or whatever, raise his hand three seconds earlier? fate, why are u screwing with me?

OH HELLO. i was on frankford where it has only two lanes but they have this gas station exit which connects to the road also. and this guy was trying to get out and i let him. so he then gives me a peace sign. i was HELLO FELLOW DEMOCRAT/ LIBERAL. fuck yea. and he was hot. and he drove a nice car. ohhh that made my day. i called amy, was like "guess what great cute thing happened to me!" im going to start using that too. shedding happiness into my world. ahh. maybe one day ill see him around.

There was a time
I don't know when
I didn't have much time for men
but this is now and that was then, I'm learning

A girl alone, all on her own
must try to have a heart of stone
So I try not to make it known my yearning
I try to show I have no need
I really do, I don't succeed

so let´s bring..on the men
and let the fun begin
a little touch of sin
why wait another minute
step this way its time for us to play
they say we may not pass this way again
so lets waste no more time
Bring on the men

I always knew, I always said
a silk and lace in black and red
will drive a man right off his head, its easy

So many men, so little time
I want them all, is that a crime (NO!)
I dont know why they say that I'm too easy
They make me laugh, they make me cry
they make me sick, so god knows why

we say bring on the men
and let the fun begin
a little touch of sin
why wait another minute
step this way its time for us to play
they say we may not pass this way again
so lets waste no more time
bring on the men

They break your heart
they steal your soul
take you apart
and yet they somehow make you whole
so whats their game
I suppose a rose by any other name
the perfume and the pricks the same

I like to have a man for breakfast each day
I'm very social and I like it that way
by late mid-morning I need something to munch
so I ask over 2 men for lunch

And men are mad about my afternoon "tease".
they're quite informal I just do it to please
those tripple sandwiches are my favorite ones
I must admit, I'm partial to buns

My healthy appetite gets strongest at night
My at home dinners are my men friends delight
When I invite the fellas over to dine
they all come early, in bed by nine!

so lets bring on the men
and let the fun begin
a little touch of sin
why wait another minute
step this way it's time for us to play
they say we may not pass this way again
so lets waste no more time
bring on the men!
(big men, small men,
short men ,tall men
I guess that means almost all men,
I´m a player, ´long as they are men men men
---Linda Eder---Bring On The Men

2004-02-04T21:25:00.000-06:00

did i mention
a. that brett was a model...still could be
b. amy said his body rocks, shes seen him shirtless. what a dream.
c. has friends that are models too

meredith picked my favorite men in the bachelorette. hehe. go lanney and matthew. fellow texans. and due to that my hope that somewhere in tx lies a great man is reassured.

2004-02-04T21:21:00.000-06:00

BRETT
who can bring smile upon my face with only a mention of a his name, who would i love to date, who would i fuck..no im kiddin. haha. well... anywho, my great amy has devised a great plan to see brett tommorrow under the pretences of "studying." why not? as i have mentioned, we do have a cal test on fri. we are going to get "help" from kenny, amy's kick ass brother. and i am happy to maybe understand what is going on in cal, but the sheer prospect of seeing BRETT rocks my world. so im a happy duck. woohoo.

in honor of kris, whose car is fucked up.

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tommorow, no tommorow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
---tears for fears---mad world

2004-02-03T22:30:00.000-06:00

is this how its supp to be?
have u ever started studying and realized that even though you have 3 days before the test, that you are, in fact, screwed beyond doubt. have some confidence, is what you say and i say "ok" with dire enthusiasm. my calculus test is on fri, and as of the moment im thinking "HOLY FUCKING SHIT." how do i make sense of chain rule vs the generalized power rule. how do i use them together? how do i then, add in the product rule or the quotient rule. my teacher lacks the ability to 'teach.' i mean that with all honesty. mr. scott does not teach. he... he...hmm? he teaches the board, he laments awkard comments which only make you wonder about his sexuality, or his pathetic life after school. the most interesting thing about him is why he wears sandals with socks in 30 degree weather. so what am i to do? where is this insainty leading me? but man, im hungry. and sleepy. ah.

2004-02-03T12:12:00.000-06:00

sing
im not going to india this summer. and it doesnt really bother me, cause my parents always say i will go and then i dont. i understand the reasons why i cant this summer and i quite agree. ill spend it here, under the hot sun in dallas, texas. what should i do this summer but take classes? i have to go somewhere, bc otherwise im going to kill myself. i need to get out of dallas besides in my mind.

i didnt mention it yesterday, but last, last nite i woke up at 445 screaming bloody murder, bc i thought a python was suffocating/eating/killing me. it was quite scary. but what do u do when a snake has a great hold on you? this dream brought about a great many fears, such as other snakes, bears, spiders....animals. ahh apparently no one wants to tell me what to do when a python has a hold of you. thats ok. i mean. thats never going to happen. maybe its a nice way of saying that ure fucked, have a nice afterlife. im apparently never going to go into the south american jungle where snakes are 80 feet long. um yea not going to happen.

tell me what this guy is thinking?

oh btw, pythons are'nt venomous. they just squeeze you till you die and then eat you whole. fun fun fun.

hm hw time. which is worse cal or chem. eh, cal. sibert is sexy. so off to do chem.

I sit here and wonder
I wonder what's out there
I wonder what's out there?
I hope they can hear me

I'm making plans for the great escape
The great escape from here
I'm taking off for a better place
and better people who care
And no-one can hear me
No one can hear me

There's light and there's dark
and sometimes I just can't tell them apart
I'd rather drink a wishing well
if this is the way things are

And no-one can hear me
No-one can hear me

No-one can see me
and no-one comes near me
No-one
---the chills---the great escape

2004-02-02T17:38:00.000-06:00

damn you
college. i hate u with a major passion. i hate u. hate u. i have no amy either. ahh fuck you macroeco.

2004-02-02T14:22:00.000-06:00

holy fucking shit
i am so incredibly bored. it was raining really hard (and i was lazy), so i switched around some of the activities that i was supp to do last nite to today. as i logged on today, time had already ran out for the quiz, so i decided to do some of the web activites to make up for it. i am on the 3rd q for chapter 1, and im stuck. i cant find where this fucking thing is. im at a pt where my patience has run out, and im thinking 'what the fuck are u doing to me u stupid piece of trash repulblican.' im at the census bureau trying to find the median income of my age. i have looked thru everything and i simply cannot find it. i cannot find it. can they make this site any more convouluted? huh, can u? u know what, fuck it. fuck u, dumb cunt. "do u economists have humor?" that is most ludricrus q ever. if this piece of shit exercise is humor, yea u have some, u dumb bitch.

ok, onto faustus and lro. and then i just have to take a 100 q quiz for eco and im done for today.

could i be anymore bored?

i hate bras.

sleep is beckoning me.

omg, im done.

travis (the band) i like thee.

well i believe there's something watching over you
they're watching every single thing you say
and when you die they'll set you down and take you through
you'll realise one day that the grass is always greener on the other side
the neighbour's got a new car that you wanna dry
and when time is running out you wanna stay alive
we all live under the same sky
we all will live we all will die
there is no wrong
there is no right
the circle only has one side
we all try hard to live our lives in harmony
for fear of falling swiftly overboard
but life is both a major and minor key
just open up the chord
but the grass is always greener on the otherside
the neighbour's got a new car that you wanna drive
and when time is running out you wanna stay alive
we all live under the same sky
we all live
we all die
there is no wrong
there is no right
the circle only has one side
---travis---side

2004-02-01T18:39:00.000-06:00

Go Read and Comment here

i finally got my comment thing to work. actually its server went down, so i got a new one. but i need u to read then comment on the hottest guy section. so comment, damnit.

2004-02-01T17:56:00.000-06:00

poker
i learned a little bit of poker freshmen year of highschool. there were 5 of us in this table, and after the teacher was done, we played poker. i had no clue, but it did interest me. and it still does. but soon i left that class, but that class was great. meet some incredible guys there.

now i have forgotten how to play. i was taking a break from something, which ended up to be 2 hrs bc i was watching the wpt on nbc. i cant imagine how great it must feel to know that u have 3 million dollars just to roll around in your fingers. i was screaming into the pillow; of cource i knew what card each player had. but can u imagine losing 1.5 million just bc u folded a pr of great cards bc u thought the opponent had better. ohh the insanity. i hate college.

at this moment, im playing poker at yahoo and i keep having to fold cause im getting some shitty cards. thats ok. im quite the conservative. well i had some great cards and i lost. actually i had a pr of Qs. is that good. hmm maybe i should learn how to play poker. haha. good thinking. ok, i got to go. i need to do the quiz for macro. no procrastinating. i mite do faustus later tonite.

2004-02-01T12:37:00.000-06:00

super bowl
i dont know, dont care, a shits ass about the super bowl. its one of those things that everyone is talking about and i gladly take my mind somewhere else. i will watch the half time show. janet jackson is going to be there. ahhh. earlier today, i was watching the trl thing on cbs, and they had this ticket contest. and one guy was a janet jackson fan and the other guy was the football fan. which ever one got the most amt of qs rite, they would get the tickets to the superbowl. the football guy got 2 qs rite about jj, and the jj guy only got 1 q rite about football. Obviously the jj guy was gay and therefore didnt know anything. but i imagine that many men would kill the jj guy for not knowing basic q's about football. britney spears and ben affleck are dating or 'supp' dating. what the hell?

im really stupid bc im sitting here, writing about unimportant things when i have a million things to do.

what to do?
1. study for cal test
2. take macro quiz 1, 2, 3 and syllabus
3. study for chem
4. add some into anthrax
5. faustus and lro

so plan for this week:
sun- calculus, syllabus quiz, faustus & lro
mon- read chapter 1 & 2; take quiz 1 & 2
tues- cal, read half of chapter 12, lro
wed- cal, lro, anthrax
thurs- cal,
fri-------------------------------------------------

well off i go. i woke up to this song. i hate valentines day, boo boo. but for all the lovers out there.

If there were no words
No way to speak
I would still hear you

If there were no tears
No way to feel inside
I'd still feel for you

And even if the sun refuse to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart
Until the end of time
You're all i need
My love, my valentine

All of my life
I have been waiting for
All you give to me
You've opened my eyes
And showed me how to love unselfishly

I've dreamed of this a thousand times before
In my dreams i couldnt love you more
I will give you my heart
Until the end of time
You're all i need
My love, my valentine

And even if the sun refuse to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart
Until the end of time
Cuz all i need
Is you, my valentine

You're all i need
My love, my valentine
---martina mcbride---my valentine

2004-01-31T21:01:00.000-06:00

reshapening nails
i just watched 'win a date with tad hamilton' and it was cute. it wasnt as romantic as 'love actually' or funny as 'along came polly' but it was cute. i mean i wasnt going there to see either, so it worked out. i certainly didnt want to see something which would make me run to harry hines for a prostitue due to my lack of a bf or 'significant other.' do they have male prostitues on harry hines? but i do want a guy best friend, pref someone who looks like josh duhamel and has the personality of topher grace. josh has one great body. hmm rethinking my list.

men i would gladly sleep with anyday of the week bc of thier looks: those of them who i dont think u know, i linked it.

1. josh duhamel
2. brad pitt in fight club
3. micheal vartan
4. David Fumero olfl, soap opera
5. David Anders , alias
6. Mark-Paul Gosselaar
7. Hugh Grant
8. Cillian Murphy
9. matthew mcconaughey
10. johnny depp
11. Ryan Phillippe
12. Shane West
13. rodigo santora, guy in 'love actually' who that bitch wouldnt sleep with
14. simon baker
15. Bobby Cannavale
16. orlando bloom
17. Aiden Turner olfl, soap opera
18. Cameron Mathison amc, soap opera
19. jared leto
20.

this is why you should watch soap operas. i shit u not. but who am i missing? tell me!

since this was in the movie and therefore in my head, i will place the lyrics here.

Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be

Holding hands with you when we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too

The problem is, this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too

It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful

Here we go, we're at the beginning
We haven't fucked yet, but my head's spinning

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

I'd love for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'
I'd love for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'
for this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

2004-01-31T12:00:00.000-06:00

something simple
i woke up rested and warm. now im queasy and cold. cold is understandable. but queasy? queasy, since i have placed the cal book in front of me. accidentally, i glance upon it, which sends shivers upon my back and brain. i remember what this week holds; what horror fri will encompass. i must venture into it, and refresh (relearn) what i have learned during the past few weeks in order to be successful on my test this fri. back to the painful routine of taking tests and such. drag. damn u school. i see no need for calculus in my future. of course, my future is quite undecided. yet, i wont be a math geek. not saying all math ppl are geeks, but ...u are. although my stereotype that science ppl are geeks is quite wrong. A. Dr. Sibert. No one can say that for a 35-40 year old man, he is not a handsome, sexy piece of hunky chocolate. haha. haha. lol. lol. b. Stephen, danny, frederico c. ryan and ty d. leaner guy. the insanity.

for shit and giggles...mad tv w/ ms. swan. if u dont know who ms. swan is, she is an old, fat chinese with a high pitched voice.

Ms. Swan: Alex Borstein
Hotline Customer: Will Sasso

(Will Sasso is watching television when the football game suddenly cuts to a sex hotline commercial.)

Advertisement Announcer: (Erotic Jazz music plays in the background) Hey, stud. I've got some dirty little secrets I've got to tell somebody. Why not you? Call the number on your screen for a hot, raunchy X-rated sex talk with one of our naughty, foxy girls. So what are you waiting for? Call now.

(Will Sasso picks up the phone and dials the hotline number.)

Ms. Swan: Hellooooo? Gorgeous Pretty Beauty Nail Salon.

Hotline Customer: (Surprised) Huh? Wha- Who- I'm sorry, I thought this was a 976 number.

Ms. Swan: Okay, now hold on--

(Ms. Swan pins down her dress.)

Ms. Swan: Hellooooo? Foxy lady, I talk crazy dirty talk fo you, you gonna like it, mistah.

Hotline Customer: (Smiling) Wow, uh... Gee, uh... To tell you the truth, I've never called one of these before, so I'm a little nervous.

Ms. Swan: Okay, don't you worry, I'm gonna do every'ting, okay? You just sit back and enjoy the ride, Mistah Horny.

Hotline Customer: Right, great.

Ms. Swan: Okay, I'm gonna turn you on---

Hotline Customer: All right, go ahead.

Ms. Swan: Okay, you ready? Here goes: Ooooooooooooooooooh. (Short pause) Okay, that's it, good bye!

Hotline Customer: No! Wait, wait, wait, hold on a second! Wait, wait! I don't mean to be rude, but I'm going to need a little more than that.

Ms. Swan: Okay, okay, I tell you every'ting.

Hotline Customer: All right, well, uh... You know what, why don't you tell me, uh, do you look like a celebrity? Do you look like anyone famous?

Ms. Swan: Okay, yeah, you know, all the time people teh me I looka like a Bjork.

Hotline Customer: (Confused) You look like a Buick?

Ms. Swan: No, I looka like a Bjork. You know, that singah* from Iceland.

Hotline Customer: Forget about that, why don't you tell me about your hooters. You got big boobs?

Ms. Swan: Okay, yeah, you know they are so big, sometimes I cannot even stand up.

(The hotline customer changes from smiling to disgusted.)

Hotline Customer: What?

Ms. Swan: Y-yeah, too big? Okay, yah, you know, like-a big a little big a little.

Hotline Customer: Okay, which one are they? Are they big or are they little?

Ms. Swan: Okay, you know they little, but they have a BIG GIANT NIPPLE.

(Will Sasso chokes.)

Hotline Customer: Okay, you know what? Forget about that, just tell me about your legs. Are they nice and long?

Ms. Swan: Yah, they long enough to touch the floor!

Hotline Customer: Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha! It's a joke! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! No, really. Why don't you tell me about your legs. What do they look like?

Ms. Swan: You teh me about your legs!

Hotline Customer: No, tell me about your legs. What do they--

Ms. Swan: No, you go!

Hotline Customer: No, you! Tell me--

Ms. Swan: You go!

Hotline Customer: No!

Ms. Swan: You!

Hotline Customer: Tell me what your legs look--

Ms. Swan: (Crying) Why you treat me like a piece of meat?

Hotline Customer: No, that has nothing to do with meat! I'm the one paying here, I'm paying for this!

Ms. Swan: Oh, calm down, mistah, it's only $19.95 a minute, mistah cheap man!

Hotline Customer: (Shocked) $19.95 A MINUTE?!! (Clasping hand over mouth) Oh my-- I must be in for like 60 bucks. Okay, lady, listen-- Cut the small talk and let's get to the sexy stuff, allright?

Ms. Swan: Okay, you no say sexy before!

Hotline Customer: (Impatiently) Well I'm saying it now!

Ms. Swan: Okay...

Hotline Customer: I NEED A FANTASY HERE!

Ms. Swan: Okay...

Hotline Customer: ALL RIGHT! Okay, okay. You come home. It's late.

Ms. Swan: Okay.

Hotline Customer: You're hot. You lie down.

Ms. Swan: Ohhhhh... I am so hot...

Hotline Customer: Yeah? Yeah? There 'ya go.

Ms. Swan: Ohhhhh.... I am hot...

Hotline Customer: Oh, what's getting you so hot?

Ms. Swan: Oh, I have a heat rash from a cheap pantyhose! Ohh...

Hotline Customer: Okay, lady, listen-- I'm not paying 20 bucks a minute to hear about your problems! You put on another girl.

Ms. Swan: Okay. Hold on.

(Ms. Swan lowers her phone down from her ear and holds it back up again to her ear.)

Ms. Swan: Hellooooooo?

Hotline Customer: Wait, waitaminute--- Who's this?

Ms. Swan: Another girl---

Hotline Customer: Okay, bring me your supervisor!

Ms. Swan: 'Kay, hold on---

(Ms. Swan stands up, turns around, and then walks up to her cashier.)

Ms. Swan: Hellooooooo? Supervisor?

Hotline Customer: I know that's you! I know that's you! I want my money back!

Ms. Swan: Okay, thank you for calling, $114 dollah will be charged to your phone bill, and you call again, and you ask 'fo Swan.

Hotline Customer: What kind of a rip-off are you---

(Ms. Swan hangs up the phone and gets another call.)

Ms. Swan: Helloooooooo? Foxy lady, dirty talk for you, I put every'ting in my mouth! (short pause) Oh, Sistah Helen, you needa pedicure? Okay. Howbout we do it any day but Sunday, 'cause that no good for you. Okay, okay.

2004-01-30T15:37:00.000-06:00

hibernation
i cut my nails really short and now it hurts. actually i cut it fine, but i spend too much time filing it.

i feel sick. pms is a piece of shit. my dad is vacuuming. er. i hate vacuuming. of course i dont care since im not doing it but its loud. and our vacuum cleaner says "whispertone." whispering my ass. that thing hates me too. h-a-t-e-s me. all vacuums do for that matter. i shit u not. they do. they break when i touch them. they start spewing ghastly gas or decide not to do the job its meant for. it never listens when u kick them either.

we saw stephen today, but we actually talked to him.

picto:

berkner
!---sidewalk
! y
! y
! y [] x
! y x
! x--- ~
! X --- where i realized that he heading for us
! x
! x
x *path breaks into two*
x

x=us
y=him
***=trees
~="THERES NOWHERE TO GO"
[]=no direct convo was made. as seen no face to face. just walking by kinda thing.

there was nowhere we could go. no where. but it went ok. then we had lab, and it went fine. see now everything’s ok. theres no more fear. why do i keep filing my nails? come on dumbass. hes so overdone eh? ahh good times, good times.

well sunny and carly are broken up. damn u lorenzo. im talking about gh (general hospital)...(soap opera). carly what are u thinking going with that fool! hes not as hot as sunny. sunny is hot. damn fine, sexy. and how dare zander try to kill nicholas. u cant kill of the hot guys. ahh zander should leave, hes ugly. and ehw on oltl, jens mom is dating her ex. thats sick. u cant date ur kids ex bfs. ehw. gross. shiver. antonia is gone. thats sad. he was hot. ohh man, was he hot. um.

im in denial that its winter. im wearing a beater. if fucking cold in the house; im nipping. theres a nonsequitur. i love james taylor. i cant believe it fri. damn i just went for the nail file again.

what u doing nissy? huh. well at least i didnt look ugly today. well actually i wouldnt know. i dont think i looked ugly today. and he did NOT look hot at all. it was some old stephen. ew.

since u missed sibert taking off shirt, i mean "jugaging," heres a song for u.

Go make your next choice be your best choice
And if you're looking for a boy with a voice, well baby I'm single
Are you in the mood for some dude, are you in the mood to be subdued
Or would you rather just mingle?
Let's get set then to go then and let us jet set we'll be like the jetsons
You can be Jane my wife. Should I marry Jane tonight?

I would if I could. I'd do most anything spontaneously.

Or we can keep chilling like ice cream filling
We can cool in the gang if you'd rather hang
Ain't no thing. I can be lacubrious with you.
I got no ifs ands ors no wits or whats about it
But this place is getting crowded and my house is two blocks away
Or maybe closer

I would if I could. I'd do most anything spontaneously.
You know I would, if I could. I'll do anything spontaneously.

If you could be nimble, you'd have it simple just like me.
So go on and try it, do not deny yourself your freedom.

So step on up to the plate get a date with mraz
See you better act fast because supplies they never
Now did you knowE this is limited time offer
So go make your mind up before our times up
You better start winding it up because the party's almost over
(and if you should know girl, go a little bit lower now)

see how I would, if I could. I'd do most anything spontaneously.
You know I would, and I can prove it. I'll do anything spontaneously.
---jason mraz---Ill Do Anything

2004-01-29T21:25:00.000-06:00

anthrax
screw you dr. gavva cause was it really ness that i learn about that? huh. i dont think so. god im feel so dead. fucking paper.

now i have to do cal. ehw. should i bother today or tomm? tomm it is. im not going to understand anythign today anyway.

Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone
Susanne the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can’t remember who to send it to

I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you again

Won’t you look down upon me, jesus
You’ve got to help me make a stand
You’ve just got to see me through another day
My body’s aching and my time is at hand
And I won’t make it any other way

Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you again

Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it’ll turn your head around
Well, there’s hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things
To come
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground

Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you, baby, one more time again, now

Thought I’d see you one more time again
There’s just a few things coming my way this time around, now
Thought I’d see you, thought I’d see you fire and rain, now
---james taylor---fire and rain

2004-01-29T11:30:00.000-06:00

ah
ill do anything to take up time. 2 min exactly. i told myself in 2 min i would leave this chair and go search for the article. boo boo boo boo
fucking piece of shit. who the fuck cares about anthrax. i dont for sure. i really really dont. no sign of []. unmentioned for many reasons. time to go.

2004-01-28T20:18:00.000-06:00

hebetude
Ive had a spiffy day, how bout u? u may wonder, well how would i describe today? hmm, close encounters. thats the perfect word. p-e-r-f-e-c-t.

so cal was ok. not as boring as the past few days were. but i sat there reading the newsweek amy brought for me with the hot pic of howard dean. yum. i mean y-u-m. we officially have a "stare'r' " guy, who doesnt even care that we know that hes staring at us.

then we had chem. our seat was taken so we ended up sitting really close to sibert. no harm done; wink, wink. for as amy says, "what an ass!" w-h-o would deny?

then off we went to the library to write the anthrax article. the official day of close encounters began. we walked in, laughing, and musing, we're about to enter the library part of the ....library... when amy screeches "NISSY, STEPHENS HERE!." im the blind bat, and she is the owl with spectacular vision. "WHAT!." stephen lay 50 ft or less from us, wrapped in his book coming straight our way. i want to go to the stairs but amy tells me that we would run into him, and how rite she was! what would i do without her? WHAT WHAT WHAT. so we take a U and detour. as we are walking, amy thru her great owl vision says, that 'he saw us as we were turning and is following us.' WHAT WHAT W-H-A-T. where the fuck are we going? bathroom. R-U-N. and then we sit there for 12 min, laughing at sheer amt of luck we posses. laughter. laughter. anxiety. laughter. then we take all our subconscious CIA and FBI skills and make sure he isnt waiting near the bathroom. hes not. so we head out.

so we go to lunch, bc we cant go to the library anymore.

we decide on pf changs and we get there, and there is a line. so the proceeding happens.

whenever there is a "--" = what i was thinking, and since amy and i share esp, prob her too. not exact convo but damn close.

amy- 'oh theres a line, lets go somewhere else. i hate lines.'
me- 'yea sure, sounds great.'

--man i wanted some good chinese food. damn you old ppl. fuckers. is this a AARP meeting? damn you old ppl. why dont u eat at lubys like the other old ppl in the world?

man- 'the line is not that long; it wont take that long. '

--whose that talking? old man, is it you. is he talking to us? is it you asshole whose taking up more of my possible food eating time? what are u doing moron? huh?

amy- 'oh we cant, we have to get back to class.'

--in 3 hours. but a white lie never hurt anyone. whats that look in your eye? that look, hm?

man- 'so, just sit at the bar. it wont take that long.'

--hmm, huh, OH! he looks like a pedophile. i can see us on 60 mins now. "pedophile attacks grls at pf changs." not a good story.

amy- 'oh no we couldnt do that, we're not old enough.'

--sadly.

man- 'well you're not going to order a drink, just sit at the bar, and wait.'

--look here pedophile, fuck off. we're not eating here. ok. no. no. no.

amy- 'sorry, we really cant.' turn and leave.

pause. walk. wonder.

--what the fuck was that?

this old man is about 45-50, who was sitting, in a shirt and tie. when we walked in, he had a "glint in his eye," as amy said. his body language screamed "come on over, and ill buy u a drink. its ok that ur not 21, ill bribe the waiters to bring u some drinks, which i will then lace, so i can take u to my mansion. my kids are still in school. but ur not." he had a look of old men who stalked 18 year old grls. ehhh PUKE. shiver. s-h-i-v-e-r.

what else. hmm. we didnt see brett. boo. boo. why is the hottest guy in the world never shirtless when i go with amy to pick up kenny? i can only imagine what he looks like without his shirt on. dream land. hm. we saw a sticker at chilis. "GET US OUT of the united nations." what the fuck do u think u are saying, you piece of shit crap motherfucking idiot fucker loser republican? be glad i dont know you. be glad that i dont carry a gun. i wonder how scary the world would be if democrats started carrying guns to? what would reps do then?

kerry won last nite. ahhh. fucking crap. u know what im thankful to dean for not taking contribution from lobbyists. it just shows you, that he acts on what he says and what he believes. which means he will actually do something right in office. it shows u that he will not say something just to get elected and then do something else. due to that action, i support him more and more.

i hate this song. such a piece of crap. but its playin now. so what to do?

Woke up quick at about noon
Just thought that I had to be in Compton soon
I gotta get drunk before the day begins
Before my mother starts bitchin' about my friends
About to go and damn near went blind
Young niggaz on the pad throwin' up gang signs
I went in the house to get the clip
With my Mac10 on the side of my hip
I bailed outside and pointed my weapon
Just as I thought, the fools kept steppin
I jumped in the fo' hit the juice on my ride
I got front and back side to side
Then I let the alpine play
I was pumpin' new shit by NWA
It was \"Gangster Gangster\" at the top of the list
Then I played my own shit, it went somethin' like this:

Cruisin' down the street in my 6-fo'
Jockin' the bitches, slappin' the hoe's
I went to the park to get the scoop
Knuckle-heads out there cold shootin' some hoop
A car pulls up, who can it be?
The fresh El Camino rollin Kilo G
He rolls down the window and he starts to say
It's all about makin' that G.T.A.

Cuz the boyz in the hood are alwayz hard
You come talkin' that trash and we'll pull your card
Knowin' nothin' in life but to be legit
Don't quote me boy, cuz I ain't said shit ...

Bored as hell and I wanna get ill
So I go to a place where my homeboyz chill
The fellas out there try to make that dollar
I pulled up in the 6-fo' and hollered
greeted with a 40 and I start drinkin'
And from the 8-ball my breath start stinkin'
I gotta get my girl to rock that body
Before I left I hit the bacardi
Pulled to the house get her out of the pad
And the bitch said something to make me mad
She said somethin' that I couldn't believe
So I grabbed the stupid bitch by her nappy ass weave
She started talkin' shit, would'nt you know?
I reached back like a pimp and slapped the hoe'
And her father stood up and he started to shout
So I threw a right-cross and knocked his old ass out

Cuz the boyz in the hood are alwayz hard
You come talkin' that trash and we'll pull your card
Knowin' nothin' in life but to be legit'
Don't quote me boy, cuz I ain't said shit ...

Punk ass trippin in the dead of night
homies score and key is gonna fly, punk ass fly
they rippin off everybody, man
---Dynamite hack---boyz in the hood

2004-01-27T17:43:00.000-06:00

wise up!
new articles to your right! ------->

get mad with me!

2004-01-27T11:55:00.000-06:00

whose walking by?
so here i am at college, waiting for amy to get here. and she will in about an hour and a half. our rhet teacher doesnt realise that class doesnt end till 1045 and im pretending not to know either. what do i care? all usefullness have graciously left the class.

so college. hmm. what can i say. i see a couple of indians and well thats too many but what the hey. im conquering the talent of typing without looking at the ... Sshit. there is a grl with a pink coat. granted we know many that have pink coats but what-the-hell. its like rep grls marshmellow coat except it goes down to her knees. how ugly. gay guy who cant dress; isnt that against some kind of rule. craziness. oh no. a guy in front of me, stupid stars freak. we get the pt, u like the stars. ure still ugly as shit. stupid. er. im having fun just randomly staring at ppl. good times. good times. nobody interesting. err. ok im going to read some political articles. i have a view of the stairway and its amaizing the type of ppl who walk in and out. OH no indians talking. ind grl thinks too highly of herself and is meeting a guy, the exchanged a book, (geeks) and now she went back up the stairs. stupid bitch is blocking my view. there were many a place to sit ur ass, why are u blocking my view, dumb hoar!!!! AHH. hmm. pink scarf? oh holy fuck. bright orange coat. bright. wheres waldo could have been real easy then. what the fuck are u doing u piece of crap blocking my view?? there is some dumbass wearing shorts, but get this. he has socks up to his knees? wtf is the pt of that. wear some pants u piece of shit moron. jesus. thankgod the moron moved. i just want to see a guy with a howard dean shit. hot guy nm semi. damn made eye contact with indian walking by. do not laugh. that grl looks like my sister. hm. stuffy old man walking in. stars freak is back! go away. oh no there is that hideous grl from my macro class. oh get this. yesterday, i sit down and she sits down the row rite in front of me and im like 'thanks bitch, ur only blocking my view.' then she has piece of crap (it had puppy dogs on the cover) planner that she kept kicking back behind the chair and i knew she was going to forget it. so the democrat i am, i take it and i give it to her. and she gives the wierdest fucking look. like i had stole it or something and i was giving it back to her. i was like look here u dumb cunt, i was helping u, not stealing ur godforsaken piece of shit planner. amy im againist braids. on no the light is bright in here, i need me some sunglasses! what are ppl thinking? hes walking like a gangster....what? and he aint black. indian grl who can dress, but seems like a bitch. omg, the guy next to me was at the 'young and restless' site. ahh. im not going to be ahh BOY OH BOY or anything. soap operas can attract men and women. actually afro cousin was really into gh. but gh is great so... oh shit, awkard moment when the guy opposite of me, stood up, and he looked almost cute, and i wanted to catch a better look, but really couldnt cause he was staring with a a i want to kill you look. dont hate, appreicate. band of indians. ohh amyyyy. why dont u come .....is that song? my shower thing is great. btw, great. i have found many uses for it. like when i workout, i dont have to drag my thing with me. man oh man. i was supp to study. damnit. and i should since this is really good for me. my opp cost for sitting on my ass and writing in blog, is not good. what do i need to do though? stupid bitch who was blocking my view moved. ohhhhh the guy next to me was gay. i just saw him walking. depressed angry bitch just walked in. poo eh, my friend? hello guy, nice lookin at u too. oh what do i have to do? ok ill write in lro for todays observation and then ill read some of faustus. ahhhh. booo. boo. u know, i would like u to respond to my writing once in a while. i do spend time mocking the gov, faustus for more than just me. heres a look im againist. a nice fitted jacket but underneath a hoody jacket, where the hood part of the jacket is over the nice fitted jacket. the guy across from me keeps peeping over the barriers and looking at me? please i swear. me no interested.

I'm walkin' through the summer nights
the jukebox playing low
yesterday everything was goin' too fast
Today it's movin' too slow
I got no place left to turn
I got nothin' left to burn
Don't know if I saw you if I would kiss you or kill you
It probably wouldn't matter to you anyhow
You left me standing in the doorway cryin'
I got nothin' to go back to now.
The light in this place is so bad
Makin' me sick in the head
All the laughter is just makin' me sad
The stars have turned cherry red
I'm strummin' on my gay guitar
Smokin' a cheap cigar
The ghost of our old love has not gone away
Don't look it like it will anytime soon
You left me standin' in the doorway cryin'
Under the midnight moon.
Maybe they'll get me and maybe they won't
But not tonight and it won't be here
There are things I could say, but I don't
I know the mercy of God must be near
I been ridin a midnight train
Got ice water in my veins
I would be crazy if I took you back
It would go up against every rule
You left me standin' in the doorway cryin'
Sufferin' like a fool.
When the last rays of daylight go down
Buddy you're old no more
I can hear the church bells ringin' in the yard
I wonder who they're ringin' for
I know I can't win
But my heart just won't give in
Last night I danced with a stranger
But she just reminded me you were the one
You left me standin' in the doorway cryin'
In the dark land of the sun.
I eat when I'm hungry drink when I'm dry
And live my life on the square
And even if the flesh falls off of my face
I know someone will be there to care
It always means so much
Even the softest touch
I see nothing to be gained by any explanation
There's no words that need to be said
You left me standin' in the doorway cryin'
Blues wrapped around my head.
---Bob Dylan---Standing In The Doorway

2004-01-26T12:43:00.000-06:00

who knows
cal was so unbearably boring today. i almost fell asleep many a time. but not in chem. i mean sibert untucked his shirt! good times, good times. and its cold. and getting colder. a few flurries apparently by nite. boo. i have a 7 o'clock class. macro. evil piece of shit.

weekend was great. lots of fun things, but only a bit of studying. it should have been greater but oh wells.

i think im going to take a nap, then read chapter 1. fuck.

the church thing is over; why is my dad talking politics on the phone?

so tired.

so tired.

Somebody's Heine'
Is crowdin' my icebox
Somebody's cold one
Is givin' me chills
Guess I'll just close my eyes

Oh yeah
Alright
Feels good
Inside

Flip on the tele
Wrestle with Jimmy
Something is bubbling
Behind my back
The bottle is ready to blow

Say it ain't so
Your drug is a heartbreaker
Say it ain't so
My love is a life taker

I can't confront you
I never could do
That which might hurt you
So try and be cool
When I say
This way is a waterslide away from me
That takes you further every day
So be cool

Say it ain't so
Your drug is a heartbreaker
Say it ain't so
My love is a life taker

Dear Daddy
I write you in spite of years of silence
You've cleaned up, found Jesus, things are good or so I hear
This bottle of Steven's awakens ancient feelings
Like father, stepfather, the son is drowning in the flood
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Say it ain't so
Your drug is a heartbreaker
Say it ain't so
My love is a life taker
---weezer---say it aint so

2004-01-23T18:55:00.000-06:00

simply stated
i dont know how the fuck im not keeling over and falling asleep at the moment. im so sleepy. why, who knows? i need work out. today? no. i did some crunches this morning. that ought to do it for now.

last nite, dean was on 20/20. i think he did an excellent job. i feel more securing voting for him. kerry better not fucking win this shit, damnit. i hate him. but if it does come down to kerry and monkey boy, of course ill vote for kerry.

me and ames had a great day today. and kenny, too. first we had cal, and chem. boring as usual. then we had, lab. err. lee was nice which was freaky as hell. we couldnt find out drawer and we had to ask for his help but we were out of there in 25 min. i was damn happy.

then we loooked for anti-abortion bitch truck, which we couldnt find. so then we went to ames house, went to krispy kremes, (ohhhh heaven) traveled around lower greenville, then went back to her house, went to chickfla, then off we went to pick kenny up in denton. we have decided that denton is shit. why the fuck would u live there. oh we saw the funniest baptist church sign. "the terror level is orange: the devil is here." or something to that effect. WHAT? fun fun fun fun fun day.

now im tired.

i keep wondering what im supposed to do in college. what what what?

i love how search engines send me to other search engine. fucking dipshits.

Let's get drunk
You can drive us to the harbor
Wish upon a star but
Do you know what stars are?
Balls of fire, burning up the black space
Falling from the landscape
Exploding in the face of God

Let's get crazy,
Talk about our big plans
Places that you're going
Places that I haven't been
Build my walls up
Concrete castle
Keep this kingdom free of hassle, yeah

But I need some echo in the emptiness
All I want, but you can't change this loneliness
Look at what you've found, I'm falling down

Taste the saline rolling down your cheekbone
Tell me that you're alone, tell me on the telephone
Feel your heart it breaks within your chest now
Try to get some rest now, sleeps not coming easy for a while, child

Child, yeah

But I need some echo in the emptiness
All I want, but you can't change this loneliness
Look at what you've found, I'm falling down
Down, down
Down, down

But I need some echo in the emptiness
All I want, but you can't change this loneliness
Look at what you've found, I'm falling down
Look at what you've found, I'm falling down
---something corporate---Down Lyrics

2004-01-22T16:27:00.000-06:00

um
food is good. yum. i came home and have been stuffing my face on a regular basis. i had an omelet, potato chips, dp, and ice cream cone. ahahahh HEHEHE. why do i eat in that way when i spend time to work out also?

today has been normal. i actually got to school early and was sitting with the rest of the ppl, when this guy started talking to me. his name is josh, his major is political studies, it was bio, hes really smart, hes from la, he used to play baseball in high school, he would never go to college in southern cali, and then i found out he was a conservative. err. boo. boo. boo. then we got into class and by where he sat, i realized he was the guy that i thought was a democrat by the way he was talking the other day. but he was real nice, sadly. after class, he got out of the classroom earlier than me and he waited for me, and said "it was nice to meet you." i said yea you too. i had pulled my keys out rite as class ended, so it seemed like i had to leave. he would be a great friend. nothing more. i couldnt date a conservative. what would we talk about? but otherwise hes a perfect guy. he knows about politics, hes smart, he works out, hes funny, hes a guys guy.

but this class is very entertaining. we just sit around and talk all day. dan was telling us stories about his life, and i kept emailing amy and telling her what was happening in class. we have those cool ass imac computers. college. woohoo.

i love avant. he can sing. his songs are all sexy and hot. rrrhhh. i mean... jk. hehe. i was watching the Sharon Osborne show and he was singing. theres this 'sexual' part of the song, and he took his shirt up. and i was like what? a. they didnt show his body. they showed his face. he was contorting it in wierd ways. i mean u know he got phat body. b. what the fuck are u doing? come on avant, man. ur phat. not one of those inane rappers.

clearly i was making fun of the word "phat," as u may know. i should start using it though, but i dont want to offend anyone, so maybe not, cause im not quite black.

DARKNESS. hell ya. omg, one of the songs on his new cd is called "phone sex." i wonder how many women throw themselves at him? these lyrics below are from the song 'heaven.'

Look, I don't know your name
Don't know where you're from

i suppose hes looking for a slut, eh? shik-e-s.

Just like eve done to adam (you got me)

to that im not going to say anything but WHAT THE FUCK? shit. i wonder if he writes these himself, bc that would show the level of his iq. it would also prove my theory that most singers/rappers/actors are dumb.

oh, do u ever wonder what the phat new rap word will be? i know u do. u have heard most of them, phat, dogg, and ... ehh im stuck. but anyway, heres the new one. flickin. yes. would u like me to use it in a sentence. yes, well then of course i will state it how avant sings it.

she was flickin fo sho

oh, fo sho. thats one of those phat words. see what u have learned just by reading what i write. the usefulness of nissy never dies. i never fully explained the meaning of the word flickin though and i would, but i dont know. so thru the use of contextual clues, i think it means hot, and sexy.

ya'll are flickin fo sho.

how did u like that? huh! the use of Texan as well as rap rhetoric. i think i crack myself up a little too much.

i keep looking for my trash can in this room and then im like 'oh duh. its underneath the computer.' see u cant fully appreciate the humor in that unless u understand what im talking about. i sit on the computer many an hour due the lack of life i posses. but i get tired of placing my legs on the floor and want to place them on top of something. i used to use my speaker but it started fucking up too much and i got annoyed and i have transplanted my trash can as my official leg picker up-er. now isnt the story funny? no, well sorry.

this lady called for my dad, while i was SLEEPING or trying to and she asked me to write down some stuff for my dad. and i did. and at the end she goes, "hows college?" "its (pause) going." she goes "dont you drop out." i was like what? umm "ok, i wont." was that an option? im pretty sure im not going to do that anytime soon. shes a nice lady, so im not going to bash her for waking me up from my very needed and wanted nap or telling me to stay in school. i have never thought about dropping out of college or high school. i dont think any of my friends have either. god, we such good little kids. the insanity. dan was talking about all the bad things he had done in his life and i was like yea (i never said this out loud but i was thinking it) i stole 20 dollars once in 3rd grade but i used to buy books. so, i dont think its that cool or anything. i lead a really safe, protected life. sorry man, i cant really compare with ur nail in neck story or spitting gum at ur teacher. ive never done or wanted to do anything dumb.

kudos to my hero for kicking anti-abortion sticker filled bitch truck and saying then "oops." in honor of her, i will place her favorite song as of now on my blog.

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh, things are gonna happen naturally
Oh, And taking your advice and I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
Oh, But it often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright light turns to night
Oh, Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of, others only read of bout' the love
Oh, the love that I love

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages, forewords
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of and if you could see me now
Oh, love love, you and I, you and I,
not so little you and I anymore, Umm
And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of and if you could see me now
Well that IÂm almost finally out of
IÂm finally out of
Finally-dee-deedle le dee dee
Well IÂm almost finally, finally
Well I am free, Oh, I'm free

And it's okay if you had to go away
Oh, just remember the telephone well their workin it both ways
But if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of and if you could see me now
Well that IÂm almost finally out of
IÂm finally out of, Finally-dee-deedle le dee dee
Well IÂm almost finally, finally
Out of words
---you and I---jason mraz

2004-01-21T16:57:00.000-06:00

WHAT A FABULOUS DAY!
last nite, i was nothing but enraged at what monkey ass bush had said in the state of the union. enraged is weak word. i didnt get much sleep due to the rage. i would almost and then something he said would awaken me, and i would get mad again, and scream at his elf fucking face. i had a great "conversation" with him in the shower this morning. i want to debate him or one of his followers.

this morning amy and i started the bush bashing while walking into green, just venting all while getting EVIL evil looks. my "hero" was wearing her "howard dean for 2004" shirt. i was proud of her. we get into cal, and we're still talking about various aspects of the speech and the ppl in the room HATE us. they wanted to kill us. but little did they know that this was THE PLAN. we had hatched this diabolical plan to rant about bush at utd, just to piss some ppl off, for FUN. class was boring as hell, and i dont know what the FUCK he was talking about. after that class we go into chem, and we start raving again, but ppl LOVE us. 'always fixing his hair' was laughing with us. they were laughing WITH us. the amount of enthusiasm that me and amy exude when anger enters us is stunning. and i have to admit, we're quite funny. im going mention "skinny bitch who wanted me move my entire body and bag so the princess could walk WHEN there was enough room for her to walk through" just bc she pissed me the fuck OFF. dumb cunt.

then we go to the galleria, walk around, and proceed to eat at bennigans. while we are eating, we start bashing bush again bc some news show replays edward kennedy great countenance last nite. amy concluded that galleria would be full of reps so why not piss some more ppl off? i said "why not. sounds like fun" so were sitting and bashing, and the old couple next to us, sent us the GREATEST evil looks ever. the woman physically TURNED her body around and just gave me a couple of good ass looks. little did she know that what she had done, only provoked me to say more. after lunch, amy wanted a caramel apple, and i was all for it too. so were standing at the chocolate factory or whatever, and the guy working goes, "so u like howard dean, eh?" and im like OH MY GOD, A DEMOCRAT IN THE GALLERIA? what? what? W-H-A-T? and we start this great conversation with the guy where he tells us that he will vote for anyone whose againist bush, that he voted for ralph nader in the last election and various other goodies. i told him "u have made my day!" he really had. we had gotten so many "i want to kill you" looks that this had made our day. i was so incredibly happy. after talking about it later, we decided that next wed. we will return to the galleria, go back to the shop, formally introduce ourselves, learn his name, and tell him that we are customers for life, due to his hatred for bush.

E-X-H-A-L-E. AHHHHHHHHHH.

it was great. great. GREAT. today was a great day. anyday when u can spend most of time discussing politics about ppl who know about politics, is a great day. oh man. good times. good times. Certainly, those of you who werent there cant really understand how great it was. but it was great!

There's so many things going on in the world
Babies dying
Mothers crying
How much oil is one human life worth
And what ever happened to peace on earth

We believe everything that they tell us
They're gonna' kill us
So we gotta' kill them first
But I remember a commandment
Thou shall not kill
How much is that soldier's life worth
And whatever happened to peace on earth

And the bewildered herd is still believing
Everything we've been told from our birth
Hell they won't lie to me
Not on my own damn TV
But how much is a liar's word worth
And whatever happened to peace on earth

So I guess it's just
Do unto others before they do it to you
Let's just kill em' all and let God sort em' out
Is this what God wants us to do

And the bewildered herd is still believing
Everything we've been told from our birth
Hell they won't lie to me
Not on my own damn TV
But how much is a liar's word worth
And whatever happened to peace on earth

Now you probably won't hear this on your radio
Probably not on your local TV
But if there's a time, and if you're ever so inclined
You can always hear it from me
How much is one picker's word worth
And whatever happened to peace on earth

But don't confuse caring for weakness
You can't put that label on me
The truth is my weapon of mass protection
And I believe truth sets you free

And the bewildered herd is still believing
Everything we've been told from our birth
Hell they won't lie to me
Not on my own damn TV
But how much is a liar's word worth
And whatever happened to peace on earth
---Willie Nelson---What Ever Happened To Peace On Earth

2004-01-20T11:58:00.000-06:00

aims of argument
i had foreseen rhet to be a class filled papers and such. but it has surprised me, we sit and talk about the difference between persuasion and convincing. I had never thought of the difference. i have to say most times, i don’t care. inane is how approached the class. now, im drawn to it. not for the interesting conversation but to show myself something, that maybe something isnt right.

last nite, a little before i went to bed, not necessarily sleep, kris was talking to me. she said some stuff that made me think. i cant actually write about it though. i dont know why, since writing comes to me naturally. all i am is confused. but i have realized that im weak, and i have been ok with being weak. and now its not ok. i dont know anything. i just dont know. im clueless. i can write about inconsequential matters, but i cant write how i feel. i have not figured out what i want. for someone who prides themselves in being honest and real, 'what the hell am i' stuns me. i dont know how to approach that question to get an answer either. i cant seperate what i want from what i must do. i dont know what the line is, i dont know where the line is. i am nothing but lost. and i dont know how to find that path again.

Are you such a dreamer ?
To put the world to rights ?
I'll stay home forever
Where two & two always makes up five
I'll lay down the tracks
Sandbag & hide
January has April's showers
And two & two always makes to five
It's the devil's way now
There is no way out
You can scream & you can shout
It is too late now
because
You have not been
paying attention
paying attention
paying attention
paying attention
You have not been
paying attention
paying attention
paying attention
paying attention
You have not been
paying attention
paying attention
paying attention
paying attention
You have not been
paying attention
paying attention
paying attention
paying attention

I try to sing along
I get it all wrong
cos i'm not
cos i'm not
I swat em like flies but
Like flies the buggers
Keep coming back
Not
Maybe not
"All hail to the thief"
"All hail to the thief"
But I'm not
But I'm not
But I'm not
But I'm not
"Don't question my authority
or put me in the dock "
Cos I'm not
Cos I'm not
Go & tell the king that
The sky is falling in
When it's not
When it's not
When it's not
Maybe not
Maybe not
---radiohead---2+2=5

2004-01-19T16:25:00.000-06:00

finally
i just took the xmas tree down. granted i know that xmas has been over for a month or so, but laziness had enveloped me. again im battered and bruised. stupid tree branches. but im so sleepy. YAWN. i didnt have restfull nites sleep. i have school tommorrow. ehh! sickness. what the fuck am i listening to? shit. uncle kracker is shit. not the shit, but shit.

elvis was a romantic? damn valentines day. if anyone would like to get drunk with me, just tell me. madonna is shit. again, not the shit, but shit.

spent most of the day with ames, traveling around plano and richardson. she had never been to preston and park, and theres nothing really to see. but i showed her around ws and pb. great stores. i applied at barnes and noble. im going to get the job. apparently if u write things down, its more likely to happen. im going to get a A in cal and chem. hehe. good times good times. im going to find a guy whose not a jerk, but still is smart, hot, and FUNNY. haha. whatelse. jk, i dont want a guy. i was watching spurs/ celtics game yesterday, and i have figured out that spurs have better looking players. that game really sucked, btw. the last two minutes were the best. there was no way that celtics were going to catch up 20 pts, no matter how hard they tried. i still havent gotten my lro password. hello, DAN, when the fuck are u going to send that to me? ahhh, teachers. dan looks like robert from the eagle. hes apparently a musician and in the utd "theatre" program. as i have mentioned, and as amy would willingly tell, the theatre program is shit, again, not the shit but shit. who cares. oh shit. i think i had hw. hmmm fuck that. im going to sleep.

You kiss me darling, a miracle starts
A magic feeling, comes into our hearts
The spell of love began, when we're alone
And we're in, a world of our own

You say you want me, and music I hear
Touch me my darling, and clouds disappear
The sky is bright above, and cares have flown
And we're in, a world of our own

Holding you close, is heaven
Only I know, what it's worth
Knowing you're mine, forever
Is the greatest wonder on earth

Nothing can change it, the magic's begun
When we're together, our hearts become one
I find a happiness, I've never known
When we're in, a world of our own

When we're in...a world of our own...
---elvis presley---A World of Our Own

2004-01-18T22:21:00.000-06:00

random things
its a cold sunday nite, and what must one do but write? do i have something to say of somewhat importance, of course not. never in these rants have i actually expelled some great wisdom i have acquired in the short but long life of mine. Technically i could resolve that to the lack of life i have experienced. i have to say, 'there there' by radiohead is the best song ever list. the lyrics, i cant find the meaning of, but the steady drums are enthralling. the close but 2nd song is, also by radiohead, 'creep.' just watched alias. ah. so good. so good. im trying to figure out who between micheal vartan or 'sark' is hotter. damn the british accent sark. isabella rosellini guest stared. i have always said that i dont want girls when i have kids (AHH!) but twin boys (AHHHHHH!) and that wont happen since twins dont run in the family. i have always decided on a couple of names and isabella has always been a favorite. ohh lists

grls: in no particular order
-isabella
-sonia

boys: in no particular order
-jude

ok, i had like a million boy names. i cant remember them? w-h-a-t. jude is for jude law, whose a total hottie. his body. ahhh yum. anyway,

im looking up my names meanings. sonia is the only indian name i like. huh, is it indian? ok wtf, i cant find sonia anywhere. ha. its slavic. sonia means wise. thats good. well anything means better than "banner" like her mother. i still cant find what the heck it has to do with me. my dad, when i was young, used to tell me that it meant angel, and then my sisters father in law, who is this scholar and wrote 5 books on the Christian religion told me it meant banner. i was like daddy u lied. ok, some of these names are hideous. ok isabella means pledge of god. thats nice. i always wonder if i will bring my kids into the Christian religion, though? hmm, ok anyway, jude. jude means praise. nice names.

i was watching dateline tonite and they were showing what some ppl do to control autistic kids, like shock therapy, and i could not help but think what kind of monsters would ever let their kids undergo such pain. i know i shouldnt speak since i dont have kids, nor do i have kids with special abilities, but i have a heart. (how very corny) i understand that these parents would try to do anything to let their kids have a normal life, but isnt it obvious that they wont and they cant. how could you, though, hurt your kid? how could you possibly live and breathe knowing that you purposefully hurt a child who did not know better and who could not control their behavior. some ppl should just be burned at the stake.

who the fuck would name their kid skipper? oh Nikolas! duh. hes a prince on gh. hes hot. ahh. that means Victorious People. great; thats as vague as my name. whoever spells the name sabrina with a z, as in zabrina, needs to shot. Zoey is a cute name. all these names, though, suck bc i have met ppl with the names and im like eh i knew a grl once with that name, she was a bitch, cant name my kid that. ABIGAIL, what century do we live in? i cant imagine naming ur kid a name like trinity, bc it was in that dumbass trilogy. dakota for a guy? hmm imagine this "hey my name is ORAL." nike as a grls name? thats a shoe brand damnit. ok plz dont name a kid after a state. no offense but nevada. what the hell is so great about nevada, other than lv? thats where ur father is sweetheart, thats all i know about him. i love nirvana and understand the spirtual sense behind it, but naming ur kid that is just insane. bliss for a guy? some of these names are too hideous to speak of.

sleep has invaded me. RRHH U SLEEP. just kidding. haha. tomorrow, i get the J-O-B!

God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave, leave, don't leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
So try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?

My man......
Are you strong enough? (to be my man....)
Are you strong enough?
Are you strong enough? (my.....man)

When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be man enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise, I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave
---sheryll crow-- are u strong enough to be my man

2004-01-18T12:29:00.000-06:00

saturday nite
so last nite was prayer meeting. OH FUCK YEA. sense the obvious sarcasm. as u you mite already know, i hate indian events, indians, indian Christian events, and a toddler i have nicknamed "future posterboy for the ADD campaign."

i was forced into this travesty by my dad, who at first decided that i must "find my own way home." that wasnt music to my ears. of course i have known the ppl who attend these things for at least 10 years or so, yet never would i willingly sit in a car ride home from irving while undergoing severe questioning of my future. i throw one of my classic tantrums and dad decides that he will, in fact, pick up his youngest daughter whom he loves and who will not attend this evening without his guarantee. as we are driving, to irving, wait i must rant about irving. IRVING? what piece of shit is that? who would willingly say, "oh lets move to irving, land of crap." its worse than old carrollton, and thats just amazing. as we drive into 'ghettoville,' all i could think of was where i could find myself a bodyguard and a gunshot proof car. after the great republican maneuver from my dad for the year 2004, we get to the house.

the house isnt "ghettofyed" but the ppl in there are. very much so. so as i make a quick survey and ask random "punks" if there is anybody older here to which they reply, as my eyes had detected, "no theres nobody." OH FUCK YEA. so i run into the bathroom and phone amy, sending my distress signal. 'save me. save me.' she, of course, was babysitting, and couldnt save me. but the few minutes i sat in the bathroom, as "punks" kept knocking on the door, asking me to get out, i received a bit of sanity.

i cannot explain the severity of "future posterboy for the ADD campaign" due to the lack of my writing abilities. i cannot possibly explain the full details this hideous creature without using my hands and facial expressions. lets just say that i wasnt amused by the kid; not one bit. and his grandmother thought i was insane, bc i wasnt playing with her kid. hey lady i hate to break it to you, but i hate ur piece of shit grandson. no i dont enjoy being smacked a couple of times by the insane loon. no i dont think its cute that the kid in uncontrollable. NO I FUCKING DONT. the grandmother didnt understand 'personal space' either, which annoyed me to no end.

so after prayer is over, i proceeded to the bathroom again to call dad and say that the prayer was done and that he must come as soon as possible, who regrettably informed me that mother was still STILL not out. so i must stay here for some more time. again the knocking on the door occurred and it caused me to wonder. if the door doesnt open, why the fuck are u knocking on it you stupid dipshit. doesnt it occur to you that someone is in the bathroom. yea, im in the bathroom. does it say anywhere that i have to yell, 'yea im here.' no its a thing called common sense. the door to the bathroom does open, yea im sure it does, but im having A FUCKING CONVERSATION with my father, so would you, you piece of shit moron, stopping jabbing at the door handle. WOULD YOU? maybe ill sit in the bathroom for some more time, just to piss the living shit out of you. and u stupid bitch, how dumb are u, when i get out of the bathroom u old woman, a. u block my path OUT OF THE BATHROOM b. u have a 'wonder' in your face that someone was actually in the bathroom. fucking dipshits.

then, i proceeded into one of the rooms filled with future teenagers. oh the insanity. so i sat and start talking to ...whats her name....oh.....damn....oh i have nicknamed her "minnie me." she hates our church, OH YEA. she hates ppl at our church. OH YEA. she hates rap, OH YEA. she listens to alt, OH YEA. the kid is only in 7th grade and her enthusiasm for hatred did shock me, nevertheless the more ppl i can convince that indians are evil, the better i will sleep at nite. so spent the rest of the nite talking to her and her friend.

then she leaves. i think that was the saddest moment of my life, ok sat nite rather. now its a little freaky.

slowly, more and more ppl start to leave and i find a clever hidding spot and proceed to call amy. as soon as i hear the voice of my "hero," i hear my name. my hiding spot, its been UNCONVERED. must run, must turn off the phone. go GO go. "ohh, hello, uncle nice to see you, no thanks MY PARENTS WILL COME AND PICK ME UP. no i dont need a ride home. but thanks." so i return to my clever (not really) hiding spot and phone amy and tell her the details of my adventure. i kept getting caught and then suddenly george comes and says "ur parents are here." oh amy, there here, i must leave, im leaving, im LEAVING, LEAVING......why are u two sitting on the couch eating food, which even i didnt eat, bc im against eating food in a picnic style, due to the accumulation of spit. so i sit, and eat fruit salad, which is in a covered container, with my parents and the leftover ppl. then one of the grls who lives in the house tells me that i should sit with her (14), her sister(< 14), and her friend(12) and talk. so i sit with them and expel my great advice. i tell them that men are dumb, and that she should stay away. that she shouldnt date just cause everyone else is dating. she should wait till college or somewhere close to that, bc she will learn what she wants in a guy other than randomly dating morons. i also told them they need to get the hell out of TEXAS due the graphic nature of republicans. and then we left. somehow. somehow. ohh haha. this one guy was telling me that he was going to get drunk for the first time on american beer. i was like WHAT, plz, if ure going to great drunk for the first time, u need to get something good, not something that tastes like shit. granted, if someone was actively promoting drinking for my underage teenager, i would have kicked their ass, but what the hell, they need some kind of direction. american beer sucks. and getting some alcohol for the first time as a fish is highschool, thats not horriblly young. i got wasted (not really but close) at my sisters wedding and that was the end of 7th grade. that was a great day. not only cause of the level of alcohol i accumulated but my sister was finally kicked out, something i had wanted to do for many years.

so i didnt go to church today, and im not going next sunday either. i finished washing/drying my clothes, i walked a mile on the treadmill, and i emailed amy. im all set for whatever the hell i want to do today. prob some studying. woohoo.

I wrote her off for the tenth time today
And practice all the things I would say
But she came over
I lost my nerve
I took her back and made her dessert

Now I know I'm being used
That's okay man cause I like the abuse
I know she's playing with me
That's okay cause I got no self esteem

We make plans to go out at night
I wait till 2 then I turn out the light
All this rejection's got me so low
If she keeps it up I just might tell her so

When she's saying that she wants only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she's saying that I'm like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess I should stick up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care. Right?

We'll I'l relate this little bit
It happens more than I'de like to admit
Late at night she knocks on my door
Drunk again and looking to score

Now I know she's playing with me
But that's ok cause I've got no self esteem

When she's saying that she wants only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she's saying that I'm like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess I should stick up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care. Right?
---Offspring---Self Esteem

2004-01-17T11:01:00.000-06:00

ahhhhhh moonbeam
sheer boredom fills me. i have, due to the lack of activity, designated today chem day, tomorrow cal day and monday nothing day. i just called bn and they said that they have applications online. i checked. i couldnt find them. oh wells. ill call again in couple of hours and ask. i have nothing important to do, so why piss out? i think im going to cook something today. what, i ponder? i want a faster internet connection. mine sucks. but i love my computer. kisses sweets.

i was washing my clothes, rather starting too when my dad, who hadnt noticed that i had been doing this for quite a few years on my own, proceeded to tell me how to turn on the washing machine. ill comply that i really have no method to washing clothes other than dumping my basket of dirty clothes into the machine after pouring in some detergent. my dad does this quite often, for instance, the correct way to wash dishes, correct way to vaccume. my way works too: the clothes get clean, the dishes are clean, the carpet is clean, so i dont change my methods. i get quite nerved when my dad gets on this rant of how i must do things. retirement bores my dad to no end. so he "helps" me a better person. ohhh the pain. so hes washing my clothes the "rite" way now.

omg, its only 12. AHH.

We were born in this little town
Growin' up I was counting down
Every single day till we made our get-away
But you said you could never see yourself
Trying to make a life anywhere else
This would be your home and I was on my own
But ever since you said good-bye
I've been out here on the wind and
Baby you would be surprised
All the places you have been
I've seen you in

Albuquerque waitin' out a blizzard
Arizona dancin' 'cross the desert
Watchin' the sun set in Monterey
Girl I swear just the other day you were
Down in Georgia pickin' them peaches
In Carolina barefoot on the beaches
No matter where you choose to be
In my heart I'll always see you
Everywhere

Now days
When I'm passin' through
The conversation always turns to you
I hear you're doin' fine
Livin' out by the county line
Got a man that's home every night
a couple of kids and the kind of life
That you want to lead
Guess you could say the same for me
Cause you and I made our choices
All those years ago
Still I know I'll hear your voice
And see you down the road
Maybe in

Oklahoma drivin' 'cross the prairie
In Dallas, Texas isn't that where we
Always said we would like to try
Never did so maybe that's why you're on
Every highway just beyond the high-beams
Right beside me in all of my sweet dreams
No matter where you choose to be
In my heart I'll always see you in

Albuquerque waitin' out a blizzard
Arizona dancin' 'cross the desert
Watchin' the sun set in Monterey
Girl I swear just the other day you were
Down in Georgia pickin' them peaches
In Carolina barefoot on the beaches
No matter where you choose to be
In my heart I'll always see you
Everywhere
---tim mcgraw---everywhere

2004-01-16T16:04:00.000-06:00

chipper
im in a great mood. a. its a fri! why else? cause i just watched "along came polly" and it was a great...funny...amusing movie. hehe. prior to watching the movie, i had severe probs due to the fact that its reviews sucked and since i was expecting 'crapastic', it proved to be better. it was cute. i really really want a blind ferret now. i also want to learn salsa from a hot cuban dancer. i also realised that debra messing has the smallest forehead in the world. but i love her. much better than i like jennifer aniston. she doesnt deserve that ferret. there was this one song that i recongnized during the movie, and now i cant remember what it was. clearly there not willing to list the songs in the movie. bitchiness.

classes were boring! boooo. i found a tutor for cal. i almost went to get one for chem but it was raining, so i decided not too. ahh y-a-w-n, im tired.

You were the one who cheated, baby
and then you blamed it on me
everything you'd done

I came home to an empty apartment
could not find where my heart went
and now I'm all alone

I'm a-walking in the rain
tears are falling, and I feel the pain
wishing you were here by me
to end this misery
and I wonder
wa-wa-wa-wa-wonder
why
wa-wa-wa-wa-why
she ran away
and I wonder where she will stay
my little runaway

As I walk along I wonder
what went wrong with our love
a love that was so strong

And as I still walk on I think of
the things we've done together
while our hearts were young

I'm a-walking in the rain
tears are falling, and I feel the pain
wishing you were here by me
to end this misery
and I wonder
wa-wa-wa-wa-wonder
why
wa-wa-wa-wa-why
she ran away
and I wonder where she will stay
my little runaway
=---atticus---RUNAWAY

2004-01-15T18:24:00.000-06:00

what the fuck is this?
as i sit here listening to "bang, bang," a 60's nancy sinatra song, now commonly associated with kill bill, i have this overwhelming feeling to call stephen and say hi. not call actually, just email. be like 'hi. havent talked to you in a while.' i cant help but wonder why? i was studing chem, and thoughts of him kept coming to the surface; clearly because he taught me chem last sem and its just a train of thought. i can adamently admit that i no longer posses feelings for him what so ever. n-o-n-e. yet, i have to wonder why on earth i want to hear what he has to say? why would i care? moreover, i feel that i wont do as well as i did last sem bc i fear that stephen was the crutch of my faint success. so along with wonderment, im completely insecure in myself and my abilities. what if i fail, what if kicking him to the curb has screwed me out of an A?

but then again, i didnt deserve to be treated like that. no matter friends or more (or less), i would never treat anyone in such the manner he treated us esp since we had grown into the friendship i thought we had. im dont want to see him. i cant face how we ended. all was his doing, not mine. he made his intentions very clear by his actions but i fear in there somewhere i led him on to think something that wasnt quite true. it was just a crush, nothing more. this debacle of an event come to reality when he recongnized my "feelings" for him and "returned" them; which i feel, retrospectively, was not reciprocated to any level for which i had imagined.

but here i am again, wondering what i should do?

i know i will run into him sometime this semester. someday, when i have not prepared myself to see him, someday when i look like trash, i will once again be struck how sordid this affair has become. but i wish that day would happen soon rather than later. the longer the break between us, the more i feel the awkardness will overpower the conversation. but then again, whats left to say? only the kind condolences for which i, half mindly, will ask and return for which he will turn into something deep and convoluted. i no longer want anything, and i suppose thats what he wanted. to be something and nothing. but i cant have a friendship and not give anything or ask for anything in return.

when you become friends with someone, you put them on a level that you wouldnt put them on if they werent your friends. commone sense, agreed. but u treat someone of his nature differently than of alica per say. as a person climbs the ladder, you expect more from them. he wasnt willing to do that. he wasnt willing to be a friend like i needed or wanted.

clearly, i now have convinced myself that seeing him would do nothing for me, and it wont. and whats the pt? for amusement? for 'good ol' times,' for fun?

hes not the only tutor in the world so i will find someone else. and im forgetting why i really stopped the tutoring. he didnt help me understand anything. he would explain and i would sit and think about something else. so why pay to do that? so i mite not find someone as cheap as him, so i mite not find someone as entertaining as him, but hopefully i will understand what i need to understand. something i deserve. in the end, i really do think, the way our relationship progressed, he ruined my chances of getting a good grade on the last test.

what else is there to say? nothing, i suppose. i hate talking about him. i hate thinking about him too, but it always happens.

i will succeed. bc i can. bc i will.

sometimes i just need some courage.

my success wasnt due to anyone. i put in the effort. and i put in the effort. what makes me think that he was something? he was nothing. minor mistake. plenty more where that came from!

so my plan:
find a new tutor whose going to help me kick ass in chem and cal. i need to get the hell out tx as soon as possible. hopefully i can go somewhere this summer. as a celebration for kicking ass, for forgetting last year, for learning something new and moving on!

2004-01-15T11:51:00.000-06:00

apple juice
for that one week i was down, all i drank was apple juice. the sugar was something i could at least imagine to have taste. now i find useless and somewhat unwanted. somewhat. sugar still attracts me.

as i had said yesterday, i had wrote my email add quite wrong for lro so dan couldnt give me the right one. oh wells. i had to submit a writing sample and i wrote about driving and what a bitch it was. it clearly is a bitch. although the writing sample lead nowhere but to claim that most ppl should be murdered for driving due to thier lack of iq. i dont think i had much of a pt., reterospectively.

me and ames had this great plan to go watch along came polly only to realise that movie is getting bad reviews. i love ben stiller, so i cant imagine how bad this movie must be. it got 38%, and thats shitty. s-h-i-t.

its dark and cloudy outside. but it feels fine. its not clamy or humid. just a soft breeze of cool winds.

i must study now. but i dont want too. ehhhh shitty poppies. thats my new thing. shitty poppies.

headache. wow.

She's just waiting for the summertime when the weathers fine
She could hitch a ride out of town
And so far away from that low town good for nothing mistake making fool
With excuses like baby that was a long time ago
But that's just a euphemism if you want the truth he was out of control
But a short times just a long time then your mind just won't let it go

Well summer came along and it then was gone and so was she
Not from him because he followed her just to let her know
A dreams a dream
And all this livings so much harder than it seems
But girl don't let your dreams be dreams
You know this livings not so hard as it seems
Don't let your dreams dreams
Your dreams your dreams be dreams
---jack johnson---
Jack Johnson---Dreams Be Dreams

2004-01-14T19:48:00.000-06:00

luck?
today as i sat in recitation, we got our instructor...lee. A;ION;SEFHIWNBEFLISUFBAWE;RB AS;DFUIYASERN 'OSIDFA WEK;JRNI A'SDFNO'I ASOEF O'SIDFN' OISURFN'ASDOFJ FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT WHORE. the luck which i have is admirable (sense the sarcasm) but goodness LEE. what insane insane piece of shit luck is that? i cant help but cringe at the sound of his name. major face contortion cringing involved. we changed our entire schedule to ensure that he would not be our lab ta. what luck, what LUCK!

err, im pissed.

on other news, i just had a great 2 hr 45 min nap. i could just say 3 hrs. but the exact time of my awakening needs to be noted.

i still havent got the password for lro, which makes me think something must be screwed with the way i wrote my email add. i want to dress cute tomm for the cute guy, but what insane piece of shit thinking is that. ive never understood why ppl would dress better when they are trying to impress someone else. in two months ure going to be back to ur normal attire. why bother to dress well now? stay true and rock on. i clearly dont impress. i dont give a fuck. i almost want to but thats an far away almost.

2004-01-14T13:17:00.000-06:00

well hello
i, clearly, am never at school or so it seems. my mastermind of a schedule has left me in dungeons of boredom. i should be at school and i will in an hour but i came home after class due to the 3 hour break. at first, my 3 hour break was nothing of deep importance due to the fact that amy and i arranged to spend the time together mocking others, or studing, but mainly mocking others. but she had a staff meeting; for my amy works. when i reached the house, and entered it, i wondered 'why am i here?' clearly, i came home so i dont have to be at school and now im at home, wondering why im at home. i have realised i dont want to be at school nor at home. neither of the two appeal to me in any sort of way. a clueless mindless living organ comprised of thoughtless thoughts and wayward dreams am i. nothing more, nothing less. calculus proved to be what i was expecting; a wonder shock of what my very metero of a prof spoke, described, and explained. i aimlessly followed the man, most of the time on varing levels of 'what.' however, i did utter a laugh or two at the mention of stars twinkling due to the sheer random of the statement with calulus. chem was dull and i spent most of the time wondering the physique of siberts body, and why sibert would ever go into spencers to buy a gift during xmas, for not many men of that age have friends who would think that a gift from spencers is redemable or decent. even i have passed the age where it is more of a nuisance than anything. oh lab, why do u mock me? why must i go and spend an hour with you and your crazy indian prof barley understanding anything, almost falling asleep.

anti-bush ads. quite humourous, i mite add. check out the one with the parents.

i heard this song this morning as i was going to school and clearly it needs to be placed here. this song, however as i read now, makes no sense. i had not carefully listened to the lyrics. but who cares. many a song have i placed here which make no sense. for this song shall not be the last as it is not the first, either.

Lay a whisper on my pillow,
Leave the winter on the ground.
I wake up lonely,
There's air of silence in the bedroom
And all around
Touch me now, I close my eyes and dream away.

It must have been love but it's over now.
It must have been love but I lost it somehow.
It must have been love but it's over now.

From the moment we touched, 'til the time had run out.
Make - believing we're together that I'm sheltered by your heart.
But in and outside I've turned to water like a teardrop in your palm.
And it's a hard winters day, I dream away.

It must have been love but it's over now.
It's all that I wanted, now I'm living without.
It must have been love but it's over now,
It's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows.
---roxette---it must have been love

2004-01-13T14:44:00.000-06:00

laziness
im too lazy to write anything today. i clearly have managed to stuff my face with food though. insecurities of what, i think? school was lame. i thought i lost my cell phone, but i really didnt. thankgoodness! im about to start studing for chem and do some probs. this whole day thing is screwy. im never at school. this is like vacation. i mean i was there for about 1 hr 30 min and im done. its so lame. t and th are easy days bc its just rhet and what a waste of time, i think. one day is really hard and one day is really easy. rrh. although a really cute guy sat by me in rhet so yay. i need to find a new tutor for chem/cal really soon. the more i waste time thinking about it, the more nervous i get. stupid pandora.

now i want to write? yesterday i forgot where the hell my classroom was and started asking random ppl where they were going. no one was going where i was. i got some strage looks. then i asked this one lady and she helped find the way. woohoo. angel. the class was wierd cause the teacher was indian or so i think. she looks indian but her last name is pineres. im thinking she married into pineres. i ended up sitting in the middle of the second row, so i couldnt text ames. but i wrote her a note. fun fun. back to the old days. pineres had some clinton 'humor,' so i gave her the evil stare. the class was more or less entertaining and she let us us out an hour early. so that was great. got home and went to sleep.

i fell asleep for like 20 min while watching tv. shit. theres nothing to do. i should be happy rather im bored. last sem i waited a lot. waited for classes to start, waited for ppl. blah. i saw lee while walking to my car, and i was like EHAAHASOINAWEO FUCKING SHIT. god i never want to see him again. what a waste of a human being. errh. APSUEFHAISDFKSDFJLASDFIUENON. evil shudder. or at least i think that was him. then i ran into alcia at the bookstore. basic blah blah. i almost asked her if she was seeing pandora but then i was like no thats not something that i want to ask. fuck pandora. bc really who cares? expect the knawing voice in my head wondering if hes dead? i wonder, dont you. hahaha. heheh. anywho. studing!!!!! fun fun fun. ahhhhhh. the darkness. um. cinnamon rolls. good too.

in pitch dark i go walking in your landscape.
broken branches trip me as i speak.
just coz you feel it doesnt mean its there.
just coz you feel it doesnt mean its there.

There's always a siren
Singing you to shipwreck
(Don't reach out, don't reach out
Don't reach out, don't reach out)
Stay away from each rocks
We'd be a walking disaster
(Don't reach out, don't reach out
Don't reach out, don't reach out)
just coz you feel it doesn't mean its there.
(theres someone on your shoulder)
just coz you feel it doesn't mean its there.
(theres someone on your shoulder)
There there!

why so green and lonely?
and lonely
and lonely

heaven sent you to me
to me
to me

we are accidents
waiting waiting to happen.

we are accidents
waiting waiting to happen
---Radiohead---There There

2004-01-12T12:44:00.000-06:00

college?
oh man, just came back from college. the first day, which technically is not even over. i have class at 7 at nite. thats a smart move niss. but i can beat up a guy so its all cool in the hood. first we had cal, and the dude gave us a test. i was expecting this but i didnt bother to prepare. i failed it. yet, it wasnt hard, it was just the fact that i need to refresh and i needed have some space to work out the probs. 'where, where, where i am to work this out' screamed i? then we had chem with sibert. we saw dickman leaving. and i was like ohhhhhhhhhhhhh evil shudder. i do feel like i betrayed him. i do i do. sibert was ok. he explains everything. so it was a welcome change. totally welcome. then we went to target and i got all my book stuff. FUN. that really is the best part of starting school, the new pens and shit. fun. anywho. today im going go eat some lunch then read chapter 11 (geek me) and look over some old alg. i cant find my road rage cd. i miss that cd. i cant find any of my cds. piece of shit me. always losing things.

I don't want to talk to you anymore
I'm afraid of what I might say
I bite my tongue everytime you come around
Cause blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground
Hand over my heart I swear I've tried everything I could
Within all my power two weeks and one hour
I slaved and now I've got nothing to show
Oh if only you'd grow taller than a brick wall
From now on I'm gonna start holding my breath
When you come around and you flex that fake grin
Cause something inside of me has said more than twice
That breathing less air beats breathing you at all
I don't want to talk to you anymore
I'm afraid of what I might say
I bite my tongue everytime you come around
Cause blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground
Hand over my mouth I'm earning the right to my silence
In quiet discerning between ego and timing
Good judgement is once again proving to me that it's
Still worth it's weight in gold
From now on I'm gonna be so much more wary
When you start to speak and my warm blood starts to boil
That seeing you is like pulling teeth
And hearing your voice is like chewing tin foil
I don't want to talk to you anymore
I'm afraid of what I might say
I bite my tongue everytime you come around
Cause blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground
High fives to a better judgement
By saying less today I will gain more
Low twos to you my fickle friend
Who brought the art of silent war
---incubus---Blood on the Ground

2004-01-11T19:48:00.000-06:00

cough
rrh. cough cough. but im all ready for school tomorrow. well in terms of school items, i mean. i got my new shoes. they're not like cool but they're coo. like total coo. the dude said they just came out on thurs, which im sure means something. i was like 'oh ok thanks man.' thats more of a guy thing, always wanting the new shoes. me, more like 'pretty color, i want that one.' i wanted some jeans but the shoes were a bit much so i decided to not to say anything. im getting a watch next month so maybe ill add that one then.

i wasnt driving but i had two "WHAT!" . first, we were on josey turning on hebron when i hear shakira. im like eh r u kidding? i dont like shakira, but who am i to say you cant listen to shakira. and i look at the driver, bc thery're behind me, about to give the bitch a look when its a guy. (?) and he has his windows up. up! and hes rockin' (yes rocking) in the car, giving me his "im motherfucking cool and dont you want to be me?" sorry, sweetheart, no i dont. almost, almost, but no kudos. then we were at the mall light, and this blue nissan something, a real nice car/convertible btw, starts playing j. lo. what? but wait, what? ill admit shakira has talent, yes she does, i just dont like her talent. but j. lo. has no talent. none. i think i will physically slap anyone who says to me, 'why yes i do think that j. lo. has real singing ability/talent.' no all she has is a butt and ben. both are fake. but i still cant believe the person played j. lo. in the car, with the windows down, on a cool car. see that meant that the person had to intentionally make a thought in their head and say "whoa i like this j. lo. and must buy the cd." so one of these things happened:
1. they drove themselves to the store and bought the cd. but can u imagine when if u were working and someone comes up to you and says, 'hey, wheres the j. lo. cd?' burning with the rest of the trash.
2. "mom, along with my dildo, id like the j. lo. cd."
3. carson: "oh sweetheart, even a gay man has to smell talent and all i smell on her is whore. lets throw that away. but she can dress."
4. "for xmas, can i get the j. lo. cd along with the britney spears cd, cause i too want to be almost married. it looks cool. and i also want the sex tape of paris hilton, who btw is going out with nick carter; i always wanted to date trash."

thats all the possible things i could think of.

i feel sick. ehhhhwwww. i ate too much. ok not really but i feel sick. SCHOOL, why u mock me? there was a great jacko video on mad tv last nite, and i cant find it. shit.

i took the word "experiences" out of somewhere in the rant and spell checked it and now i dont know where it goes. so that word shoud go in there somewhere. somewhere.

You've got to pick up the pieces
C'mon, sort your trash
You better pull yourself back together
Maybe you've got too much cash
Better call, call the law
When you gonna turn yourself in? Yeah
You're a politician
Don't become one of Hitler's children

Bonzo goes to bitburg then goes out for a cup of tea
As I watched it on TV somehow it really bothered me
Drank in all the bars in town for an extended foreign policy
Pick up the pieces

My brain is hanging upside down
I need something to slow me down

Shouldn't wish you happiness, wish her the very best
Fifty thousand dollar dress
Shaking hands with your highness
See through you like cellophane
You watch the world complain, but you do it anyway
Who am I, am I to say

Bonzo goes to bitburg then goes out for a cup of tea
As I watched it on TV somehow it really bothered me
Drank in all the bars in town for an extended foreign policy
Pick up the pieces

My brain is hanging upside down
I need something to slow me down

If there's one thing that makes me sick
It's when someone tries to hide behind politics
I wish that time could go by fast
Somehow they manage to make it last

My brain is hanging upside down
I need something to slow me down
---The Ramones Lyrics---My Brain Is Hanging Upside Down

2004-01-10T13:42:00.000-06:00

sniffing
im just sniffing now. sniff. this is the annoying stage, i suppose. well for others i mean. i hate when ppl do the 'sniff sniff' thing around me. im looking at my hair, and thinking holy shit i have a lot of hair. i was taking a bath this morning and the amount of shampoo i use astounded me. no wonder i ask my parents to buy me some every few weeks. i think its time for a hair cut. but i like my long hair, much better than the previous haircuts which i had. i need to get it thinned, that would be great. thinned, thats a great word. i remember the last time i got my hair cut the lady took a shit load out. ppl were looking at me like i was some kind of loon with too much hair. and then you have the ppl who think i have nice hair, where i give them my "crazy look." some ppl like lots of hair. i dont. i like the curlness. only bc i have to live with it forever. thats all. nothing else. better get used to it now.

as i have said before, tx is a very republican state. nowhere is that more evident than when you listen to the country station. last nite, as the "question of the nite" or something to that effect, the wolf asked if 'celeb endorsements are needed.' this is due to the latest endorsement from madonna for clark, and willie nelson for kucinich. every single caller said this is not needed, not wanted, did not effect their voting choice in 2004. of cource not, ur voting for bush. why would u care who all these ppl endorsed? moreover, if it doesnt effect your voting choice, shut ur trap, why do u open your trap to say such a statement. there is someone out there who it does effect. thats why they do it. im not saying that i care who madonna likes, bc i dont like madonna and particularly hate clark and hope he doesnt get anywhere near the white house. but in all fairness, if madonna has enough sense to vote for a man who 'not quite a democrat nor a republican', im sure you could get some sense in yourself and not vote for "quite a idiot and a jackass" next year. i heard bushs plan for putting a man on mars. empty money, ppl. get a clue. remember, the ass will say anything, its election year. see there is no reason for ppl to say that there voting for bush and publicly endorse him, most of the nation is.

i need to move out of america. this is insane.

france, im thinking france. my dad said france.

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say...

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's...

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...

Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One...life

One

2004-01-09T17:23:00.000-06:00

gap
just came back from shopping. good times. good times. i got a new velveteen faux fur jacket, the one that i wanted. its too big on me, but i dont care. its sooooo soft. it feels so good and its really warm. then i got a baige sweater, and a silk/wool baby blue sweater. i like the blue sweater, but the baige is sure to itch. its wool. err. i got one of those really soft purple ones to but i returned it. then i got a rainbow colored beanie, and a lite purple belt. ultra cute, btw. im crazy about my beanie. havent stopped wearing it. i dont look good in hats so im going to look like trash but in a cute beanie. it doesnt cover my ears due to my humogo head, and its sure to fuck my hair over, but im going to wear it, till im sick of it. tommorrow im gonna get a new shoe, and maybe work in some jeans. umm. but my mom was the shopper. she went to thier scrub store and bought almost 300 worth of stuff.

i think chaches coming over. yay. err. boredom. cold not over yet, almost. almost over. at least im breathing. thats an imporvement. oh fuck i didnt return my books. shitty poppies. shitty poppies? im still sick. obviously.

2004-01-09T11:44:00.000-06:00

back from the dead
i havent written in a week due to the illness that i encountered. the F-L-U or something to that effect. the following symptoms were present:

- vomiting
- high fever
- stuffy nose
- hagging cough
- sore throat
- snezzing
- uselessness

this sickness has made me stay in bed, for the past week, lack of energy was a major proponent in that activity. everyday, i would awake, only to go back to sleep. my days were filled as such. not even tv, nor any type of radio were seen or heard. i, of course, used the sickness to overtake my parents bed during the daytime and infest their bed with my cold germs. they apparently took the flu shot. so i still sleep in their bed. i think thats what i want for my bday, a new bed. oh how could i ask for such a thing when my bed is a king? thats why im asking for a smaller bed. my grandoise of a bed is completely useless. i sleep on the edge (?) of the right side, about to fall of everyday. i have no need for a bed this big. no need at all. its fun to jump on it though. we should have a jumping party. thats a good plan. im eating a lollipop that has a flavor of bubble gum. hm? it tastes like bad medicine. i wonder if this lollipop is actually a secret medicine. that would explain why my mom gave it to me. the evil wonders of my mom. although being sick has provided me with constant attention, and berating: eat an orange, drink ur juice, go to sleep, eat, take ur medicine. my appetite hasnt come back to me and everytime i eat its due to the 'force/watching me' feeding. after you throw up a couple of times, it becomes hard to put something in your mouth, afraid you might see it the way your stomach does. i heard billie jean on the radio this morning. thats a great song. jacko can whatever the hell he is, but a great singer/dancer is also one of them, well better than most of the jackos that sing today. ok, im going to go buy a jacket now. gap here i come.

She was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene
I said don’t mind, but what do you mean I am the one
Who will dance on the floor in the round
She said I am the one who will dance on the floor in the round

She told me her name was billie jean, as she caused a scene
Then every head turned with eyes that dreamed of being the one
Who will dance on the floor in the round

People always told me be careful of what you do
And don’t go around breaking young girls’ hearts
And mother always told me be careful of who you love
And be careful of what you do ’cause the lie becomes the truth

Billie jean is not my lover
She’s just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son

For forty days and forty nights
The law was on her side
But who can stand when she’s in demand
Her schemes and plans
’cause we danced on the floor in the round
So take my strong advice, just remember to always think twice

She told my baby,we where dancing still 3:00
Then she looked at me, she show me a photo
My baby cried, ’cause his eyes where like mine

People always told me be careful of what you do
And don’t go around breaking young girls’ hearts
She came and stood right by me
Then the smell of sweet perfume
This happened much too soon
She called me to her room

Billie jean is not my lover
She’s just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
Billie jean is not my lover
She’s just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son
Billie jean is not my lover
She’s just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, she says he is my son
She says I am the one
Billie jean is not my lover
Billie jean is not my lover
---micheal jackson---billie jean

2004-01-02T15:31:00.000-06:00

U STUPID PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT
i wrote a whole long thing about my day last nite and now its all erased. i hate you BLOGGER. i hate you. stupid piece of shit.

short (short) recap of what i wrote yesterday:

we got to the movie late. i hate being late, so it really pissed me off and i really wanted to watch the movie. so we drove to the dollar theater to see if there was any movie. there wasn't anything good. then we went to eat at carrnos. food was good, conversation sucked. they were mean to the waiter. and thats something i would never NEVER do, esp when she is having a bad day. i parked under a tree and all the birds in the lewisville fucking shitted on my car. got home and got yelled for spending money. so im in the doghouse. i have to find a job soon. so thats my plan for saturday.

so today:

this morning, i got up and washed my shit filled car. it was DISGUSTING. and my dad wouldnt let me take it to the car wash bc hes mean ol' poo head. the shit was everywhere. EVERYWHERE. it was so disgusting. i spent like an hour in the shower just cleaning my hands bc it touched the shit filled car towel. AHHHHHHHHH! sickness. so i ended up eating breakfast at 1. and in an hour im going to get my oil changed. boredom.

im starting hate ignorant ppl more and more. i cant understand ppl who have bush '04 stickers on their car. i dont understand ppl who thinks everyone in the world must think like them. there was a incident yesterday, when one of the grls (whose 19-20) was talking about how she didnt want to see 'cold mountain' bc there were references to "lesbian" themes. i was awestruck. first of all, i have never heard of any lesbian themes in the movie so i was quite perplexed where she got the idea from. but then, so what? i understand im quite the liberal, and i think ppl should have the freedom to do whatever they want but where on earth are u going to fing ppl that think exactly like you? living in texas provides me the profligacy to meet about 1 in 10 million who think like i do. but how sad is it that you would restrain yourself from seeing a great movie on the basis of your conservative beliefs. clearly she didnt have to watch the movie nor change her beliefs. and she wont. but it angered me. how dare she think think she was better than others. i give republicans the rite to be republicans. i'll let them think that there views are rite, why? bc i'm a liberal; their opinions may not be valid but i give them the rite to say what they want. her tone, her countenance, her gesture bothered me when she said her dim-witted statement. why do you impose your beliefs on others? what makes you think your beliefs are correct?

this sounds rather hypocritcal, since i talk shit about republicans, yet i dont hate them. she is the type to completely refrain herself from ever talking to a homosexual bc they are homosexual. i have republican friends, and i treat them with the same type of decency that i treat others with. uninterested politeness.

yet, i cant figure out why her comments bothered me so much? maybe bc i thought with age, you grow to accept, if not like, other ppl and how they live their life. maybe its bc shes a minority, and i would think she would understand the prejudice, and problems a homosexual would face. i dont have any gay/lesbian friends. personally, i think any type of homosexual would be better be a friend than she could ever be. what a waste of a human. god shes going to procreate and create more humans like this.

i need to leave texas as soon as possible. boston here i come....in 2010, eh? but we have to move.

how many times will I sit when I should stand
how many times have my dreams been just beyond my hand
how many times have I compromised
how many times have I told myself these lies

how many times will I walk the beaten path
how many times will I end up dead last
how many times will I watch it pass me by
how many times will I bury what's inside

well i know someday
i will find the means
and i will find the time
and i will find a way
to realize my dreams and leave it all behind
---thrice---Second Sight

2004-01-01T15:39:00.000-06:00

merrin
she sitting in front me, telling me her lesbian stories. haha. jk. we're talking about men and europe. we have decided that men are jerks. well 99.5% and that we will never find anyone who fit us.

merrin's topic of the day: chicken pox

she had chicken P-O-X. yea, thats the reason that she never came to church for 3 W-E-E-K-S. she left me alone with those crazy psychotic fools whom i dont like very much. she is in love w/ landon, a hot 24 something old fool (ive learned that age does matter and is telling her that this is quite dumb) whose engaged to be MARRIED. she is still in love..no 'liking'...(she doesnt know what kind of love it is.) with the dumbass. she'll get over him and move on to some other fool she cant get with. but luckly merrin does have morals, and will not be pursuing this false realtionship, bc he is GETTING MARRIED.

somehow we (merrin) asked the church youth ppl (err) to go to a movie with us. we we fooled into asking them bc we were discussing the topic while in church eating new years brunch (which sucked ass). and now we are stuck going to the movie with them. it was an empty gesture of nonfriendship. they didnt get the clue. still i must call the rest of the ppls and tell them that vista ridge (ERRR) isnt playing cold mountain.

What you gonna do? Time's caught up with you
Now you wait your turn, you know there's no return
Take your written rules, you join the other fools
Turn to something new, now it's killing you

First it was the bomb, Vietnam napalm
Disillusioning, you push the needle in
From life you escape, reality's that way
Colours in your mind satisfy your time

Oh you, you know you must be blind
To do something like this
To take the sleep that you don't know
You're giving Death a kiss,
Oh, little fool now

Your mind is full of pleasure
Your body's looking ill
To you it's shallow leisure
So drop the acid pill, don't stop to think now

You're having a good time baby
But that won't last
Your mind's all full of things
You're living too fast
go out enjoy yourself
Don't bottle it in
You need someone to help you
To stick the needle in, yeah

Now you know the scene, your skin starts turning green
Your eyes no longer seeing life's reality
Push the needle in, face death's sickly grin
Holes are in your skin, caused by deadly pin

Head starts spinning 'round, you fall down to the ground
Feel your body heave, Death's hands starts to weave
It's too late to turn, you don't want to learn
Price of life you cry, now you're gonna die!
Black Sabbath Lyrics

Hand Of Doom Lyrics---What you gonna do?

2003-12-31T14:00:00.000-06:00

enter
happy new years eve.....where's the a-l-c-o-h-o-l?

clearly the rest of the world is enjoying a joyful new year while im sitting at home, not drunk, nor anywhere near drunk, nor nowhere near buzzed, i might add. ok its only like 1 in dallas. but somwhere its 1200, 2004 rite now. but somebody in dallas is getting pissed drunk. yay. happiness exudes from me. mother asked me what i was 'doing tonite?' i was like 'what?' clearly the reason i sit at home EVERY new years is bc you refuse to let me go anywhere. i doubt this year is any different, so 'what exactly are u talking about?' she replied with some shit for which i didnt care to listen too. but dont worry ill be home watching the ball drop with dick clark, even though its in a different time zone.

ok jibe sucks. they really really suck. u suck ass. wow i can see them tonite, great ill be first in line!

let me do a list of bands that suck ass. these are the singer/band/group which have progressed themselves into the land of shittyness in 2003.

singer/band/group who suck ass
in no particular order;

- jibe
- vanessa carlton
- clay aiken
- michelle branch
- britney spears
- fuel
- r kelly
- mxpx
- ying yang twins
- new red hot chili peppers
- puddle of mud
- jessica simpson
- default
- Baby Bash
- staind
- Fountains Of Wayne
- trapt
- 50 cent
- new offspring
- Shakira
- Ashanti
- shania twain
- destinys child/ beyonce
- jay-z
- nickelback
- The Ataris
- switchfoot
- matchbox twenty
- kid rock
- hindi music

a list of bands that are really fucking great. these are the singer/band/group who have progressed themselves into the land of non-shittyness in 2003. or just some great bands.

singer/band/group worth a listen
in no particular order;

- avant
- manson
- floetry
- linkin park
- thursday
- keith urban
- korn
- nirvana
- dashboard confessional
- Evanescence
- brand new
- tool
- godsmack
- u2
- musiq
- Eminem
- Something Corporate
- snoop dogg
- The Matches
- NIN
- pumkins
- Outkast
- frank sinatra
- the darkness
- tripping daisy
- bryan adams
- radiohead

why do ppl always make u register to play games. do u really fucking care what my name is? cause i just want to play the game man. so i started a iq test, bc i always start those things for pure amusement, bc i would like to know how stupid i really am. yet i have never finished one of those test. i mite actually find out how stupid i really am.

the edge is going to do the top 102 songs of 2003 at 4. i should have started my list then. cause most songs on the radio is on my crap list.

See I've been watching you for a while your smile and stuff
and I don't know if I can be with you for tonight alright,
is that alright baby, baby

There is only one for me
You have made that a possibility
We could take that step to see, ohh
If this is really gonna be
All you gotta do is say yes

All you gotta do is say yes
Don't deny what you feel let me undress you baby
Open up your mind and just rest
I'm about to let you know you make me so
All you gotta do is say yes
Don't deny what you feel let me undress you baby
Open up your mind and just rest
I'm about to let you know you make me so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so,
You make me so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so

Loving you has taken time, taken time
But I always knew you could be mine
I recognize the butterflies inside me
Sex is gonna be made tonight, tonight
All you gotta do is say yes
---floetry---say yes

2003-12-30T21:55:00.000-06:00

like it?
the only thing that i liked about the other blog was the detailed interest in political beliefs which was mentioned here yet never linked too. now it is.

i clearly was looking for something new; little did i know i just had to add something new rather than creating something terribly new.

i think im going add a section for humorous blogs. bc i do love to read other ppls blogs for fun.

and one for books. that should even everything out.

now i have a bizzilion ideas in my head. hehe.

2003-12-30T13:36:00.000-06:00

appreciation warmed
after spending many an hour working on the new blog i have decided that i dont want to use it. i liked it but it lacks what i have here.

would have been my new blog

i wrote various things in there. yet, its not filled as this one. this one has something that the other one lacks. i dont know what that is. oh wells. fuck it. acutally it just sucks. the color scheme was bothering me.

i just talked to my mother now after the episode, and she asked me if i went shopping for clothes. i said no, i still have two weeks left before school starts. then she goes, 'well of course you'll wait till wait the sales are over, of cource. u cant buy anything when its cheaper. you wont actually save money on purpose.'

clearly i didnt know thats was what i was going for. so i just hung up. i really didnt want to hear her shit. and she was using her 'ur too dumb to realise that im making fun of you' voice. i get the sublety, thanks.

rather, i was waiting till the new season came in, bc i had seen this line for over 2 months and didnt like any of it. but if i had, i clearly would have bought it. my parents have figured out the differences between me and my sister. i, apparently like to spend money on useless things. clearly they think i care what they say. and i dont think clothes are useless. i really dont like the idea of going naked to school. why dont they understand i like what i like. personality is nothing in this household. im a broken grahmam cracker in a smore. (?)

I like having hurt,
So send the pain below where I need it,
You used to beg me to take care of things,
And smile at the thought of me failing.

But long before, having hurt,
I'd send the pain below,
I'd send the pain below.

Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)

You used to run me away,
All while laughing.
Then cry about the fact,
'til I returned.

But long before, having hurt,
I'd send the pain below,
I'd send the pain below.

Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating.

I can't feel my chest,
Need more, drop down,
Closing in.

I can't feel my chest,
Drop down.

I liked, having hurt.
So send the pain below,
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating) [I liked]
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating) [Having hurt]
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating)
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating)
So send the pain below.
---chevelle---send the pain below

2003-12-29T21:42:00.000-06:00

I didn't look at the word of the day
i just came back from spending the whole day with Ames. we did many many many fun things. although we didn't get to see jason, damn shame. i wanted to see how ugly he was. But I did see a picture of Lindsay and for some reason I have convinced myself that I have to meet her. We exchanged our baby pictures and saw 'bigfish.' which she didn't quite enjoy. I thought it was ok. It wasn't anything special. But were going to see peter pan, which will be better. Now I want to see 21 grams. That is apparently really good. I thought bigfish was supp to be good too though. It was just blah. we had a conversation about stephen. She would be happy if she never needed any help for chem. I would be happy if I found a new tutor for cal/chem that wasn't part of the chem department. Old and ugly too. He thought he was the only hot guy in the world or rather that he thought 'i' thought he was the hottest guy in the world. What a damn fool! Clearly Stephen hasn't met Brett. HA! Fool. Men are so stupid, and clueless. we looked for tylers house only to run into his car while driving to hawk. that was fucking wierd. we went to buy ozarka for ames. then had lunch at chucks. i have realised that i dont have a urge to fill my mouth w/food till i get home. i see my house and then think about food. i was trying to find the wine when my parents came. boo. i didnt get to taste kenny/kyle marg mix concoction. im sure it tasted yummy. they do know what they are doing.

im cold. brrr. and im wearing a sweater. i want to go to bed! im sleepy.

things to do:
1. get a job
2. pay tuition on the 8th w/ ames
3. go get books on the a couple of days before school starts.
4. go shopping

i have figured out why being rep grl is smart. i know, bare with me. see we discussed how men are nice in the beginning and then leave u in the dust. she dates them, has sex/ makes out w/them (the good stuff), and then breaks up with them before they turn into jerks. clearly shes going to run out of ppl to have sex with at utd and will have to move.

hey, we're not going to do that. we dont have any diseases that we dont know off. im just saying that if we were not looking for the right guy or decent or semi decent guy, thats the next best thing. but hell no are we settling. hell no! i would rather be single than date stephen or stephen like guy.

what we are looking for in a guy is just basic things. how can so many men lack the basic essentials of what i want?

in no particluar order: what i want:

a. intelligent
b. funny...major major. and intelligent humor not just slapstick! cause ehw. no fucking perverted shit.
c. cute. i would say hot, but hot guys are the guys who know the're hot and then proceed to brag. who then proceed to be unhot.
d. muscles, no im kidding. that would be a great plus, but since i dont work out, i dont expect that. so an ok body.
e. an avid interest in politics, MUST BE A DEMOCRAT and a clinton lover
f. tall, at least 5''10
g. older than me, over 20-under 24
h. a great instant connection
i. can dress...ok i dont want to ruin their 'style' but rather wears clean clothes, no holes.
j. listens to alot of different types of music, not just rap etc.
h. no jersey wearers...like hell no
g. im not going to say indian, bc ....i dont know. but pref other than indian. cause a really really indian guy would just be scewred talking to me cause i dont know shit.
h. must think kill bill is the BEST movie of the year!!!!!! that is a must. id give and take some of those up there but this one is a MUST.

thats all i want in a guy. all that i am in a grl. thats not that hard. i really dont think opposites attract. im sure they do (i did have a bad boy phase ...ahh mark....what a hottie) but i doubt they last.

know anybody who fit this bill?

Words can't do justice to pain.
Seems like they can't feel a thing.
Ordinary people do fucked-up things when fucked-up things become ordinary.
I can't promise utopia or a better world.
I have no clever lures.
No harsh punishment if you don't bite the hook.
It's a world of shit or bust.
There's no escape from disappointment.
When you commit heart and soul to earning your place, someone else will have to cheer you on.
What are you capable of?
You can be the one to string them up and beat them to death.
When you cut the bodies down, you'll see the face of your failure and shame.
This is a world of professional liars: a bleating chorus of tempered truths, who like pealing church-bells echo its' virtues sung over and over and over again.
Rotting at the bottom is better than living as a fool.
I can't find the meaning in the great achievement.
When you commit heart and soul to earning your place, opportunity kills common sense.
---PROPAGANDHI LYRICS---Ordinary People Do Fucked Up Things When Fucked Up Things Become Ordinary

2003-12-28T20:03:00.000-06:00

scales of madness
i usually stay in a ok mood. good things happen and i get happier, likewise bad things happen and i go down on the scale. but rarely do i reach this level of mad which i feel now.

im mad. pissed. mad. pissed.

2003-12-28T17:35:00.000-06:00

nap
i just took a 3 hour nap.

it felt mighty mighty good.

i love naps.

yawn.

but now i want more nap.

2003-12-28T13:11:00.000-06:00

lack of fustain
i just came from church. arr. bore.

had lunch. got ames message. wow. 130. shit. thats too late for me too.

i slept on the couch last nite and now my neck hurts. err. why i slept on the couch: cause i was too lazy to move the radio from the living room to my room. i was excersising and i needed some music.

ash is back. yay!

i really need a jacket. its getting cold. it was drizzily when i was driving home. i want the jacket from gap where the inside has faux fur. it looks totally cute. and i want IT.

MY NIGHTMARE!

i was shopping and then at the checkout counter when stephen and this other grl came over and started talking to me. it was like i was meeting them there? then i just left them and i was coming back to the car and there were ppl in the car, bc i had left my car window open and they went in. THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN! there were kids in the backseat and a mom in the passengers side. i was like WHAT and woke up. it got me so scared i didnt go back to sleep for another two hours. IT WAS SCARY. although it doesnt seem like that now. now it seems lame. but it fucked me over last nite.

Blemishing mirror fright
Going to take a bit of a fall tonight
Dreamed that I was underneath a naked women saying something that I can't repeat
Awaken by the runway noise
Suck it up kid assume battle poise

It's alone the time for you're truly unknown
I don't need to stay awake

In my nightmare I feel so alive
In my dreamscape escapades
I make the grade I save the day

Pull here push me there a little lower a little closer to the spot that's bare
That's the toy that fills my void it's apparent I've inherited a demon joy

It's alone the time for you're truly I know
I don't need to stay awake

In my nightmare I feel so alive
In my dreamscape escapades
I make the grade I save the day

Set-set-set-GO

In my nightmare I feel so alive in my
dreamscape escapades I make the grade I save the day

In my nightmare I feel so alive in my
dreamscape escapades I make the grade I save the day

In my nightmare I feel so alive in my
dreamscape escapades I make the grade I save the day

In my nightmare I feel so alive in my
dreamscape
I make the grade I save the day
I make the grade I save the day
I make the grade
I save the day
---eve 6---Nightmare

2003-12-27T18:04:00.000-06:00

youth conference
so this morning was the youth conference. there was a total of like 40 indians youths, which is too many for me to handle. but i did it. bravely, i mite add.

jessica called early (too early) and asked me print some copies of some songs and i did. i got to church, and i was giving her the papers, when one of the youth members from the st. ignatious said "great more ppl." what? "yea nissy arent you going to sing?" what? no. i was giving them my 'go to hell' look but our priest was looking at me and i could only utter "yes." so i was officialy part of the choir..... today was going so well.

stop laughing.

so then we 'practised.' afterwhich the opening speechs were done and we "sang." then this uncle from around here somewhere spoke. about what i had no clue. he made gay indian jokes that only indians can make. then we had lunch. pizza. ymm. we "sang" again. then we had the bishop talk. wow. his voice was completely monotonic. but luckly he couldnt see me, till somebody left and i was forced to move rite into his line of sight. i had to look rite at him for another 30 min, or so. but i crafted a great trick fresh year of highschool in orchestra. you look straight at the teacher and daydream. so i thought about what i could be doing instead of this bullfuckingshit. then we had "open discussion." we opted for one big discussion rather than small things. it was all MOTHER FUCKING STUPID SHIT. like i cared what these ppl had to say.

then it ended. somehow. i ran out. then i was called back, we needed a picture. WHY THE FUCK? to what, commerate this wonderful occasion of boredom and sleep. what? what? WHAT? then we took the picture, which fucking took forever cause the priest from OK. kept trying to get EVERYONE in the damn pic. i was like 'look her moron what in gods name are you doing? do you not realise that you are prolonging this pain that im expeirencing. do u not fucking know damnit! TAKE THE FUCKING PICTURE.' i dont think he fucking knew. no i dont. goodness gracious.

then i went home. i was the first one in my car, actually i was in the car before ppl were outside. i ran out! literally.

then i got home, got ames message about stephen. the nite he fucked everything up. i didnt know we could pin it down to one nite. and then its like what the hell are we going to do about it now. i still cant believe that we were that dumb. but whatever, whats over is over.

so now im off to my sisters to meet my sisters sister in law. i guess shes technically mine also. meh? who gives a fuck?
not me,

lyrics...

Hip hip
Hip hip

When you're on a holiday
You can't find the words to say
All the things that come to you
And I wanna feel it too

On an island in the sun
We'll be playing and having fun
And it makes me feel so fine
I can't control my brain

Hip hip
Hip hip

When you're on a golden sea
You don't need no memory
Just a place to call your own
As we drift into the zone

On an island in the sun
We'll be playing and having fun
And it makes me feel so fine
I can't control my brain

We'll run away together
We'll spend some time forever
We'll never feel bad anymore

Hip hip
Hip hip

On an island in the sun
We'll be playing and having fun
And it makes me feel so fine
I can't control my brain

We'll run away together
We'll spend some time forever
We'll never feel bad anymore

Hip hip

We'll never feel bad anymore
(hip hip)
(hip hip)
(hip hip)
(hip hip)
We'll never feel bad anymore
---weezer---island in the sun

2003-12-26T20:14:00.000-06:00

dead
my pets are dead.

2003-12-26T15:04:00.000-06:00

i got some pets!
never will i play catch with these new pets, never will i caress them like a real pet, never will i hold them, never will i feed them but i got some pets. HA!

while i was eating lunch when my sis dropped off some 'things" (they said the name for it in Indian and i had no clue what they were talking about) for my mom to cook. i didn't know till later that they were L-I-V-E CRABS. hehe. playtime. i have no interest in eating these things, so therefore i will play with them, till i get bored. my dad took two out of the bag and put them into the sink for me. playtime. HEHE.

i named one 'stupid idiot' and the other 'smartass.' smartass is the one who plays with me, stupid idiot just sits there. smartass has a bit of a temper, but i have cognitive brain. so i abuse smartass, and stupid idiot doesnt do anything. both are disfigured, but i love handicapped things. i was playing with smartass, who loves (like i would know) to grab onto a spatula that i keep hitting them with. once he held onto it and i took him up, and then he started flinging his arms like some kind of crazy loon and i started laughing so hard that i had to drop him. they have a hard shell, its not like it hurt him when i dropped him. im gonna go play some more with smartass and stupid idiot, i wonder if i could convince my parents to let me keep them.

2003-12-26T12:05:00.000-06:00

full
wow. i am officially on a d-i-e-t. my face is regaining its pudginess. ehw. my last endeavor in the land of all fatty foods ended this morning where i ate leftovers and chocolate cake. hehe. evil, evil. but yum.

This is a day for rest and relaxation, dear Taurus. Take advantage of the calm atmosphere to center yourself and focus on what is important in your life. You have been going at full speed, and it is probable that your family is feeling somewhat neglected. Spend some quality time with your loved ones. They miss you, and will welcome your company. Other concerns come and go, remember, but family really is forever.

my horo. i think it's a day behind.

ahh. my mother and i had a conversation this morning about which characters from gh had moved to all my children. and then asked me if i wanted to go shopping with her. i told her 'no.' i envy ppl who go shopping with their parents, i couldnt imagine a better hell. but there going to sears to buy a new vaccum cleaner, or something around that.

i think they're going somewhere; plz plz do, i say. i need some free time. well actually whole break has been a adventure in boredom and not doing anything, yet being alone is way better.

there are only 20 days left till college starts over again. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! dont end damnit! im enjoying my lack of 'nothing to do, nowhere to go, letting my brain rot.' life is peachy.

dad thinks hes going to get me another credit card. (?) i cannot explain that.

lyrics

i will light the match this mornin', so i won't be alone
watch as she lies silent, for soon light will be gone
i will stand arms outstretched, pretend i'm free to roam
i will make my way, through, one more day in hell...
how much difference does it make
how much difference does it make...
i will hold the candle till it burns up my arm
i'll keep takin' punches until their will grows tired
i will stare the sun down until my eyes go blind
hey i won't change direction, and i won't change my mind
how much difference does it make
how much difference does it make..
how much difference...
i'll swallow poison, until i grow immune
i will scream my lungs out till it fills this room
how much difference
how much difference
how much difference does it make
how much difference does it make...
---pearl jam---indifference

2003-12-25T21:52:00.000-06:00

yum
food is good. yum, is all i can say. the conversation didnt last too long on me, rather on bush, which is great bc who doesnt like to bash bush on christmas? what a fool he must be!

ok this is the song that you must dl and check out. its a band from uk, its their called 'the darkness' and the song is 'i believe in a thing called love.' its a fucking cool song and i demand you check it out. IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE DANCING YOUR ASS TO BRITAIN. kick ass, KICK ASS! its better than hey ya. im so sick of hey ya now too. do u know the only station that plays that song is the pop and alt. the RAP station doesnt play it? cause that makes sense.

now if a guy sang this song to me, hed have naked before the song is over! :wink:

Can't explain all the feelings that you're making me feel
My heart's in overdrive and you're behind the steering wheel

Touching you, touching me
Touching you, cause you're touching me

I believe in a thing called love
Just listen to the rhythm of my heart
There's a chance we could make it now
We'll be rocking 'til the sun goes down
I believe in a thing called love
Ooh!

I wanna kiss you every minute, every hour, every day
You got me in a spin but everything is A.OK!

Touching you, touching me
Touching you, cause you're touching me

I believe in a thing called love
Just listen to the rhythm of my heart
There's a chance we could make it now
We'll be rocking 'til the sun goes down
I believe in a thing called love
Ooh!

Touching you, touching me
Touching you, cause you're touching me

I believe in a thing called love
Just listen to the rhythm of my heart
There's a chance we could make it now
We'll be rocking 'til the sun goes down
I believe in a thing called love
Ooh
---the darkness---I believe in a thing called love

2003-12-25T18:36:00.000-06:00

X-MAS
merry, merry, merry where's the alcohol, eh?

i went to church for xmas service early this morning. of course i woke up as church was starting but ahhh whats the fun on being in time? i have realised one thing, the only thing i hate more than indian ppl, is indian outfits. i was forced, again this year, to wear a lenga. for u white ppl, its a skirt and long shirt. but its just not that simple. i love that lenga bc of the color. and thats it. thats IT. it has the most beautiful blue ever. yet the skirt is so long that it kept getting stepped on, by me and the other morons, the shawl kept falling of my head cause it was silk. i spent countless minutes just fixing my hair which, in the end looked like somekind of poodle who was untamed.

i came to church and called ames on the cell hoping she would pick up and waste some more of my time. she didnt. after the xmas part of service was over, the priest started doing prayers for the holy communion before mass. i dont believe in jesus. and i havent taken communion in like 8 months; my bday was the last time. i didnt want to take something which would represent the body and blood of someone who is nothing to me. but i had severe moments of agony during the time in which the ENTIRE CHURCH basically took the prayer in a line. at this moment, i was like should i, i mean wouldnt it look wierd if i didnt, should i? but in the end, i decided that it was disrespectful to the ppl who were taking it and to me too. i hate hypocrtical ppl, and i certainly wasnt going to partake in such activity.

but this is why its so hard for me,

there are things in the indian community that is understood that you should be. for a grl my age, i should know how to cook for my future husband, take care of house for my future husband, i should believe in god, in jesus, in the indian community (zealously) for my good future, i should agree with what my parents say, i should represent my family the best, i should do well in school so as to get married to a wonderful husband. these are the underlying messages that have been sent to me. and for some time, i believed in all that. till i grew up. i no longer believe in all that shit. i will do what i want. and i do. my whole belief system is, 'dont tell me what i want.' i'll make mistakes, but at least i'll make mistakes. i dont want to live a perfect life, and i dont intend to. if i belive in god, it will on my terms. dont throw god down my throat and expect me to faithfully love him. im not a bad kid, which is what is considered when ppl hear what i say; when one goes againist society, upheaval is always present. i do not intend to confirm to any standards set by society, i choose to live in by own rules, which i think will help me be a better person. i dont take anything that i should believe in. but in that perception i find myself stuck. im trying so hard to get away from everything that i hate, that everything is a violation of my freedom, my life. in that place, i find myself lonely. after mass, merrin left me and i was forced to sit w/ the youth for church lunch. i was stuck listening to dumbass conversations that only indians could have. yet, the entire time i was thinking about the lack of individuality in the group. all the grls had straightened their hairs, loaded themselves with makeup. i have nothing in common with these ppl. nothing.

so i left and came home and slept till 5 and church ended at 1.

i was awaken by my wonderful parents, who were shitting that i never helped them cook. yea so what? i would if i liked being you ppl, if i didnt want to kill you every time you opened your mouth, if you actually listened to what i said? but since you dont, why bother?

yet while i was sleeping, my parents somehow managed to invite the entire cousins and my sister over for dinner. such activity is very scary and will be filled with DRAMA. bring out the ALCOHOL now, i say. more indians and they're my cousins, whom i dont hate. yet, i will, as usual be commented on how curly my hair is. how my posteur never gets better, even though they have told me a million times how i should walk, how i should stand, how i should hold my head! how i keep putting my shirt up onto my arms. how my methods of eating food show my deepening into the american community rather than the indian community! all justifable in planet "she cares," not in planet "she doesnt give a fuck." but, my family, is not one for the obvious. they will expect me to take every comment they say to improve myself, and i will naturally be thinking about kicking their asses, kill bill style.

but here something funny...

only the Onion

2003-12-24T22:24:00.000-06:00

eating in
today, i know was supp to be filled with noneating and excercise. i will work out. i will. l-a-t-e-r. but today i managed to proceed to go the store on the sole purpose of buying a christmas card for pink... and surrounding myself with holy grail, junkfood. i walked through the aisles of tom thumb, as the angry crowd of ppl kept looking at their lists and the men looking lost, gazing up the banners and then thier lists, as they looked at me with questionable looks, for which i gave my usual "white ppl smile." until i found it. THE GLORIOUS AISLE. oh hello mr. fritos, mrs. ho ho's, mr. 20 different types of lays chips, mrs. 20 different types of pepperidge snack cookies. YUM. heaven. yet, i, being a 'victim of must buy all types of junk food and proceed to through it away,' dragged my fat ass up and down the aisle twice and picked only 3 items. for three is the lucky number.

1. funyons
2. lays barbeque
3. caramel apple flavored 30% fat free quaker rice cakes...im gonna need a guilt free food i enjoy too

with all the craze of junkfood i completely forgot to the card and didnt remeber till i was in the car. so i drove to walgreens, (i couldnt go back in there) and bought a cute card.

for when i got home i opened the bag of lays, opened a can of dp, and sat on my ass watching oprah, guests: beyonce and selma fucker (for she slept with ed norton and then broke up? what a horrid mistake of a life do u lead? who the hell do you think you are? unless of ed broke up with you and thats completely understandable. learn english, bitch.) after dad left, i proceeded to drink some wine, which plainly sucked. afterwhich mom called and told me to go to the store to buy baking soda. now, i have no hatred for the supermarket, but id rather not go twice in one day. i had asked her before i left for the store, the first time, if she wanted anything for her "fruitcake." *this fruitcake, i say now, will turn into nothing but a piece of shit, but of course my mother insists she knows how to bake it. i will say this, no one can say my mother isnt a great cook, bc she is. she cooks great indian foods, like what were having tommorrow nite. she doesnt, however, 'bake.' no. but its ok, its going to be like the spagetti she made last week, sitting in the fridge, sitting. theres nothing wrong with it, but theres nothing good about it either. but i go off topic, she said "no, sweetheart i dont need anything."

so off the store i go, and i find the baking soda and i turn to look at something when i see "PEACH COBBLER." i have made my indulgences in the area of sweets very public. pies, cobblers, whatever it mite be, if it has enough sugar to cause a seizure, i WANT IT. i also have "ocd," a term coined on the 'simple life,' something charging disorder. my back pocket held my moms credit card. credits cards speak to me. i, along with many others, hear it speak. its says to me: you want that, you GOT it! i can get it for you. i can get you anything you want. just USE me. just LET ME BE SWIPED.
i heard the song of the credit card. so i used it. i bought it.

i got home and baked it. and proceed to eat it and it was yummy. yummy. yummy. i ate most of it. im so loaded on sugar at the moment, i think im a peach cobbler. i feel peache juice around me. the peaches. can you become a paranoid from overload of sugar? now as i was sitting eating the pie, watching tv, my dad commented that today was the day that he has seen me the happiest in a couple of weeks. what, i say? he proceeds to tell me that while i was stuffing my face earlier and now, was the happiest he has seen me in quite some time. thats just sad, dad, not good news, yet i laughed. i am happy! hehe. plus i was watching anastasia. love and sugar. what else conincides with each other in such brilliance?

but everyone, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!

i am happy!

2003-12-24T12:59:00.000-06:00

working out
forewarning: this story leads nowhere.

i have, on many a occassion, complained that i have gained weight during the 20 days i have been away from school. this is due, naturally, to the fact that i sit on my ass for 12 hrs (+/- 1 hr +/- 1 hr) and then proceed to sleep for 12 hrs (+/- 1 hr +/- 1 hr) while managing to eat the entire pantry, and fridge. it seems my wanting of food is rather late in the day (nite) rather than the morning, which would be better bc i would, hopefully, work it out. the silly fact is im am b-o-r-e-d. as the day progress, i lose all hope that i will be doing something worthwhile. yet, this laziness is entirely what i wanted to do for past months due to my tortures studying. but NOW i have hit rock bottom. bottom, i say, with lack of euthasim whatsoever. usually i try, somewhat, to restain myself from eating, now i say FUCK IT. who cares; i certainly dont. i was, sadly, trying to keep thin....normal, because i didnt want to look like Augustus Gloop when i returned to school in 2 weeks. ppl mite not recongize me, what would i do then? whom would i talk too?

yesterday, while i was eating mint milanos, (which im not a big fan of, but cant resist) i flipped to dr phil talking about "the rapid start plan to losing wieght in 10 weeks," or rather "Dr. Phil's 'Booty Camp" whose companion is "The Ultimate Weight Solution: The 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom," whose companion is "The Ultimate Weight Solution Food Guide." now, as i agreed with the guests who were complaining about lack of time to workout, as i watched them walk around paramount studio with fervor in thier eyes, all 300 wearing "dr phil rapid start program" (who looked as if they would have rather raided a supermarket and had enough man- power to do it,) as i wacthed dr phil get up on a podium and talk to a bunch of old fat women about getting enough motivation to move thier asses, I, graciously, kept stuffing my face.

but then,

i was forced last night to sleep at 1100, rather than my usual 1. mother demanded i go to bed since i turned up the heat, and the greater concentration of carbon monoxide (?) was ailing her. This conversation ended with "how COULD you," in a dramatic charlton heston style. heat, de-icicling,warmth, or hypothermia; what i was going for? as the obedient child i am, i however, retained to my bed, and waited for sleep. as sleep wasnt readily available, i was forced to listen to the radio. now living in dallas does provide me the comfort of having many radio stations, rock, pop, country, pop, country, rap, country, mexican, pop, rap, classical, oldies, and techno. this new* techno station has charmed me due to the fact that it plays all the early 90's hits, which i wasnt old enough to understand, but was old enough to like. but at last, a cher song came on. ill not deny that i love cher. i do, i do. i admire any woman who has entire gay community at the tip of her fingers. for instance, if she was charged for sexual assult of a minor, like another celebrity we know of, i bet we would have all the gays from san fran to ny, lining to protest her innocence. but i regress, the song, i cant remember, why, i dont know, but i got up and started doing crunches. after 20 i said enough is ENOUGH. and i proceed to act like cher in her music video for "believe." as i perfected "the hair turn," the walk, the wierd eye manuevering, i decided i would 'work out' tomorrow too. too cher.

then a britney spear's song played, and i immediately renounced my gregarious statement. for her lack of talent, for her lack of beauty, (except her body) for her lack of intelligence, brought me to reality. and i knew i wouldnt work out.

but now as i write, i went onto yahoo, and i seached for some ab excersises. i will forget what reality shock i received last nite, and i will remember what cher was saying to me and i W-I-L-L workout. i will attempt and succeed in getting my ass from the various chairs i place my ass in, and do something usefull.

how would you sum up the last year in twenty words or less?
The Mayfly Project

now in honor of 90's music:

if you wanna leave
i won't beg you to stay
and if you gotta go darling
maybe it's better that way
i'm gonna be strong
i'm gonna be fine
don't worry about this heart of mine
walk out that door
yea see if i care
go on and go but

don't turn around cause you're gonna see my heart breaking
don't turn around, i don't want you seeing me cry
just walk away
it's tearing me apart that you're leaving
i'm letting you go but i won't let you know

i won't miss your arms around me
holding me tight
if you ever think about me
just know that i'll be alright
i'm gonna be strong
i'm gonna be fine
don't worry about this heart of mine
i know i'll survive
i'll make it through
and i'll even learn to live without you

don't turn around cause you're gonna see my heart breaking
don't turn around, i don't want you seeing me cry
just walk away
it's tearing me apart that you're leaving
i'm letting you go but i won't let you know

i wish i could scream out loud that i love you
i wish i could say to you "don't go"
as he walks away he feels the pain getting strong
people in your life they don't know what's going on
too proud to turn around he's gone

don't turn around cause you're see my heart breaking
don't turn around, i don't want you seeing me cry
just walk away
it's tearing me apart that you're leaving
i'm letting you go but i won't let you
---ace of base--dont turn around

2003-12-23T18:43:00.000-06:00

bored
i am so incredibly bored out of my mind. i have nothing to do, nothing to watch, nothing to do, NOTHING. i cant live like this. and i dont have any MONEY. im dying without any money. dying. without money. i live on money. all places i can go, all the things i could buy. new things for the new year. ahhh drab. if only i could find a job. if only.

BORED.

2003-12-23T13:13:00.000-06:00

ehw
i feel gross. GROSS. that feeling when ur getting sick, ur throat is hurting, ur body is starting to ache, your getting kinda moody. but i was already sick, so im getting re-sick, and thats just not cool man. and xmas is coming up too. i dont want to stand in church forever with this fucking cold. errr. and i got it from the stupid mall, dumbass. dont go shopping when your sick, MORON. flu spreads. but i had a great time with ames. we saw our twins. we looked away REALLY REALLY quick.

omg im listening, rather forced to listen to the eagle bc of the fact that i dont have a new cd to listen too bc of the fact that im broke, the kid rock song "i feel like making love." i know i talk about that song and that piece of white trash a lot but there are NOICES of a woman moaning in the chorus toward the end. ive never heard the end, bc i change the station when this piece of shit song is playing, but now im too lazy to change the station.

what crawled up my dads ass this morning. hes acting like a moron on steroids.

Living in a cage
Washing in a birdbath
Sinking in a fish bowl
On a broken farm
I try to never lie
I really do
I wonder if my friends
Will get me through
Conscious of the was as best we can
17 ways to kill a man
States we've been through

Killing nostalgia
For future swims
Trash all your bridges
Kill the rock all roll thing
I want to move on
With no complains
Building our walls with yesterday
Might as well shine before you slide
Might as well you live before you die
States we've been through
Talk about states
A whole lot of emptiness

Living in a state of constant chasing
A river of flux for our tasting
I try to never lie
I really do
I wonder if my friends will get me through
It always seems to rain
When you leave
I try to stem the flow
As we bleed

States we've been through
Talk about states, states
Talk about states, states
---bush---Altered States Lyrics

2003-12-21T21:22:00.000-06:00

pbrrrr
rrhh. im bored as a monkey. bored i say. i dont feel like reading, watching tv, or anything remotely active. rather more like sitting on my ass and playing the dumb video game. which is bad cause i just ate and thats just bad to sit on my ars and not work it off. but i bet i would have to work out a lot of and that doesnt sound like fun. so i guess ill just sit on my ars and write.

this shampoo ive been using is really bothering my head. but ive used it for like 4 months now. its a weekly treatment, so i dont know why its bothering my hair. it really is weighing it down rather than oh i dont know what its supp to do.

boredom has beguiled me.

pbrrr.

2003-12-20T14:41:00.000-06:00

wag
i went to the church potluck and it was amusing.

the grls are really interested in marriage. is it just me who isnt? yea someday, when im like 25 or something. but i dont understand the obsession with it at this age. we were picking the age when we'd be the happiest. and i picked 24, 3 years old blatant drinking, and i should be situated somewhat in life. they all picked like 26, so they can be married. WHAT? marriage, ive heard, is hell. dont know why id want to do it? they called me independent. yea, totally. dont need a man. whats with the obsession that you need one. and she was "dont you want kids?" meh. they're kind of on the annoying side, though.

republican rinu had called me yesterday, and played a prank on me. but i forgive him. then we were sitting, waiting for ppl to come, and i got up to check my fried rice, which was heating. rinu had apparently told jeryll, whose this 4 year old kid, to pull the chair out from under me for fun. and when i got back and tried to sit in a chair, i fell to the ground. rinu's excuse: "i didnt think he was going to do it?" ahh fucker. i decided that the silent treatment was ok, till i forced to play taboo next to him. ahh fucker.

i said some horribly crude things, esp to say at church.

it was the usual gang and shawn (dont know who the hell he is? some kind of doctor & george's cousin) and his friend(med school student.)

(for a-c) before i said the crude things, i said "ok, ok, this is going to sound really bad, but..."

example a- we were playing taboo, which was fun, and i got the word "cage." my mind, (sadly) went directly to strip clubs and women dancing in cages. and i said that out loud. dumb mistake. my mind does not live in gutter, rather jessie kept talking her dancing in cages for james addiction at the edge concert last nite. ahhh they werent going to guess where i was going with this. so i decided to skip.

example b- and then i got the word "lingerie." ahh. YAY. um. yea. i didnt want to skip, so i started with ok so you want to have sex with your boyfriend, and this is what you wear. ahh. UMM. yea. bad mistake. then i was like victoria secret sells this. i didnt think about what i had said, till later. i mean your husband. yea, i mean who else? there all fucking virgins, what can i say?

example c- and then i got the word "bare." ahhhhhhhh. my mind was offically in the gutter at that pt. i started saying things around shes not wearing a shirt. :sign: ahhh skip.

example d- this was actually before when we were eating and they were talking about going to this retreat in houston (which would be FILLED with indian teenagers and such) :spit:, and i started making some officious comments such as "why on earth would you want to go?" & " can i say im coming with you and go to austin?" & "what makes this thing so special?" & "ahh wait what was the topic?" & "TEMPTATION?" & "what?" & "WHAT?" & "hahahahhah AHAHAHAH hahahah!" & "thats great!" & "whaat, youre actually going?" & "oh, wow."

example e- were still playing taboo, and jerry is going and he got the word "accelerator." and he started making the motions of a gas pedal, and i was pulling him down, and holding his legs down and everything. but he still kept doing it. i thought it was funny. now im thinking it was a little offensive to shawn.

example f- now were playing charades, and we have played this like 3 times already now. and i have been the time keeper for all three times for the grls side and george for the guys. so george hands me the watch, and goes "here u go, start, 30 seconds, and 5 seconds, ok!" but his tone, was "ok here u go, bc you cant read a watch, let me tell you how to do this." and i go "yea ok thanks." but in nissy tone, which means it was in a "well duh moron, ive only played this like 3 times, who the fuck do u think you are? huh moron. do you want to be bitch slapped to india, fucker?" i started laughing, so did the rest of the grls. now im thinking it was a little mean. i should be nicer. maybe.

i was driving home last nite, and i saw binu chachu driving along side me. so we pulled into the parking lot of starbucks and started talking. i told him about the party on monday nite, the st. gregorious banquet, my plans to date, my mothers comment about the "social isolation from the indian community." which he fully agreed is the best thing for me to do. i told him to come over and tell my mom that. hes going to call me sometime this week, and were going out to eat or whatever. accutomed to the male world now, yea sure whatever. i approach every male comment with cynism.

ahhh good times. good times.

i have a message to the fucking kids that live next door, 1130 in the mornin' is too early for happy yellings and good tidings. DAMNIT. i sleep. ppl sleep. SLEEP. do NOT disturb my sleep, damnit.

then, daddy asked me if i wanted some beer. FINALLY. FINALLY. we were watching rick steve's germany episode and all the ppl were drinking beer like water. so he goes "oh if u want some beer or wine, we'll go shoppin for some." ahhhh YES. alcohol, better than sex, or so i heard. the bottle just gets empty, you get a new one. you get tired of man, most times you cant throw them out.

lyrics...lyrics.....lyrics....

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul...
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy linen land.

Now I understand
What you tried to say, to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free:
They would not listen; they did not know how --
Perhaps they'll listen now.

Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.

Now I understand
What you tried to say, to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free:
They would not listen; they did not know how--
Perhaps they'll listen now.

For they could not love you
But still, your love was true
And when no hope was left inside
On that starry, starry night
You took your life as lovers often do--
But I could've told you, Vincent:
This world was never meant
For one as beautiful as you.

Starry, Starry night
Portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget
Like the strangers that you've met
The ragged men in ragged clothes
The silver thorn, a bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

Now I think I know
What you tried to say, to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free:
They would not listen; they're not listening still--
Perhaps they never will.
---don mclean---vincent

2003-12-19T12:18:00.000-06:00

vintage
my dad woke me up at 945 and asked me what i was doing. jeesh dad, what in hell's name did you think im doing. what do i do everyday at 945 in the fucking morning. what do i do? is there anything i could do?

congrats to kris for getting into ut in. WHOOOHOOO!!!!! hope u figure out what u want to do. plus i wanna come visit.
while were on the subject of college, id like to congratualte kyle on graduating from sfa. although hes never read this, its just good wishes from my way.

im fixing the new blog like a maniac. maniac, maniac. im gonna miss this one. the other one is more classy and grly. its more like the other one i had a long ass time ago. i forgot how much work and energy i put into this one. i really like the idea of quotes which described me. but i just need to put this blog behind me and start writing in the new one. i wont actually start the other till after the new year or start of the sem.

im thinking about new years resolution rite now:
1. meet more ppl....fuck that
2. start hitting the dating scene...men are jerks
3. find a job
4. save up some money
5. buy the pilates video

so i have like 3 things to do, sometime in the next year. i can do that.

ok OK OK. WHAT THE HELL?? i was reading this guys blog, and he writes...

"--I just found out today that coalition forces (cozy and supportive term, but we are doing the dirty work) i.e. the US military finally captured Saddam. I know, I know, I am out of the loop and this is old news. I try my best to not let mainstream media be a source of my news or information as I do not trust their reliability or motives. I do not watch TV or visit cnn.com. Most news sources are owned by larger corporations and thus tend to portray or spindoctor the news in the hopes and with the motives that it will be profitable and advantageous to their businesses and agenda.--"

yea moron i agree with you, but where the hell are u going to get the news from?? the fact that we captured saddam this past weekend and ur now just getting the news, thats sad. thats just like motherfuckig sad. omg he "says" hes homeless. if ur homeless, how are u getting on the internet. what? and he has a mental disease? what? perplexed!

i love ppls blogs. amusement. amusement. ok im off to get some more sleep or read, or something to that effect.

lyrics for today.....chevelle's on the radio, so here it is.

Breathe, trust, bless me and release,
Climb, hard or never be seen.
Closed off, rescue to breathe.
Just bless me.

Two sided time,
Your rebirth can't hurt,
Branch out behind, the pain.

Closure has come to me myself,
You will never belong to me.
Closure has come to me myself,
You will never belong to me.

Had to to turn, lay down,
Your sting of disease.
Phase you out, should've seen this coming.
Go on confusing the soul,
Hold my breath 'til you rupture.

Three days aside,
Your rebirth can't hurt,
Branch out behind, pride.

Closure has come to me myself,
You will never belong to me.
Closure has come to me myself,
You will never belong to me.

Like a leach,
I hold on as if we belonged,
To some precious pure dream.
Cast off, you've seen what's beneath,
Now fail me.

Forget closure,
Forget closure,
Forget closure,
Forget closure.

Closure has come to me myself,
You will never belong to me.
Closure has come to me myself,
You will never belong to me.
So breathe.
----chevelle---closure

2003-12-18T23:20:00.000-06:00

new things
my new blog is coming along. i dont like it as much i like this one. but i need a change. from all of this. so what can i say?? to new things and good times

2003-12-18T21:47:00.000-06:00

santa
"santa baby, all i want for xmas is sex and alcohol. together, now thats ingenious."

ps-a job, too. pretty please?

2003-12-18T12:24:00.000-06:00

ah ok?
i have nothing to say, nothing at all. my days do not consist of anything.

Well I been drinkin' again
And I know it's a sin
But I just can't refuse an old friend
Cause life is gettin' me down
And I been two times around
And there ain't nothing but pain around the bend
I'm not made for the time
I'm born in the wrong century
There's too much craziness here
In twenty-five years I have used all the tears in my eyes

Now this old world is a fright
You know my future ain't bright
And I'd just crawl in a hole if I could
Or maybe live out in space
Or some other far away place
And not come back to this earth till it's good
Oh but I'm dreaming again
I know that I'm here till the end
There's too much craziness here
In twenty-five years I have used all the tears in my eyes

Well you might think that I'm all wrong
The things I say in this song
I really wish I could see it your way
Cause there's a storm rollin' in
And it just might be the end
So I'm praying we'll all get away
Now my cup is running dry
The weight of the world gets me down
There's too much craziness here
In twenty-five years I have used all the tears in my eyes
There's nowhere to turn
So I'll just have to learn not to cry, no more
It's all I can do till we find something new
But I'll get by you know I'll try
In twenty-five years I have used all the tears in my eyes.
---kansas---Two Cents Worth

2003-12-17T12:44:00.000-06:00

spider
while i was eating some caramel cookies yesterday, the insurance called and got my statement about the accident. i think its a sign not to eat those caramel cookies.

sure, why not?

of course it could be a sign that life just sucks pussy.

its all such bullshit.
bullshit.

Creeping 'cross the canvas of color, crawling in a cold delight
Bitter sweet perversions, paint their picture cross their precious sky
And it's all I've been searching for
Wretched is the filth, that grinds the holy with its doubt
Embrace its heart and tear it out
Reach into the fire, see if you can feel my soul
Burning with desire, to be free from this dirty black hole
Can you bring me liberation? Do you know the depth of my obscenities?
Love is lost, love is cold, love is sick, love is dead
When love is in the shadows of insanity
And it's all I've been searching for
Cursed are the bastard sons of stupidity
Grind that knife and slash their life
And it's all I've been searching for
Greater is the greatness, gained through humility
Close your eyes, step inside
---Steve Vai---Dirty Black Hole

2003-12-16T19:46:00.000-06:00

december
i want you to call me and say hi,
i want you to say your sorry and "can we reconsider what we had?"
i keep waiting for the day when ill see your name on my cell,
i keep waiting to see your name in my email.
i keep waiting for the day when i know i can call you anytime
i keep waiting for the feeling that you once gave me

i keep waiting till i can do all this over again
i keep waiting till i can think and not see you
i keep waiting till i have peace
i keep waiting till what i want comes to me
i keep waiting for that signal in heaven that says im here
i keep waiting for someone to not leave

i keep waiting for solace in my brain
i keep waiting for solace in my heart

i keep trying not to close this heart of mine
i keep trying to see the next day
i keep telling myself that tomorrow it will be easier
but all i see is life passing by, with me draggin behind

i keep telling myself that its sooner rather than later

then the cynism rolls in
and then i think.

then i say to myself not to feel for a moment
then i say to myself lets just hold our breath
then i say to myself lets just let the pain go away
then i say to myself lets breathe back in
then i ask myself does it have to be like this everytime?

then i say to myself its better this way
then i say to myself its maybe

maybe its bc i dont believe in god
maybe its bc i think im too good
maybe its bc i wasnt thinking
maybe its bc i was naive
maybe its bc i was lying the entire time
maybe its bc i just didnt hear
maybe its bc i cant

and then i think, maybe its just not that bad
things can be replaced,
and money can be restored,
but then i cant have is you

now i dont want you either
now i dont want to see what happens tomorrow
now i dont want "take it one moment at a time"
now i dont want to not feel
now i dont want too

all im searching for is peace,
for that one second,
for that one moment when everything becomes clear
all i keep thinking is when will it happen?

is that hard, what i want?
is that easy, what i cant have?

i cant look at anyone and think,
of something bad
of something good
i just cant look

you never said goodbye,
and all i crave is that
and i needed was that

but now its too late,
for goodbyes
for hellos
for anything other than go to hells

so have a great life,
do what you must
do what you feel
so i can just live

2003-12-16T13:40:00.000-06:00

how dare you?
i was awaken this morning at 730, with the smoke alarm beeping at me, mocking me every 43 seconds, enving my 12 hour sleeping days. it decided that i should wake up. i told it to fuck off, and went to my parents room and closed the door. i could still hear it. but i was sleepy so i told my brain shut off the hearing parts. it didnt work, but my dad came home and fixed it. and i still slept till 1100. see that man! and i got to sleep on my parents bed; the best bed in the world. sleep is great, i have to say. as one who sleeps too much these days, due the lack of a job really, sleep is great. sleep is also well earned after having late nite cramming sessions days before tests, papers, or tru confessions for four months.

i have reached a stage where i dont hate stephen anymore. i have realised that if i hate him, i still would have to harbor feelings for him. i dont regret what happened. im just going to take all the good things and keep them. the rest will be thrown away. how do u punish someone who has no clue what they did, nor any remorse what they did? forget them, is all i can come up with.

lyrics for today...since im listening to tool,

Someone told me once
that there's a right and wrong,
and that punishment
would come to those
who dare to cross the line.

But it must not be true
for jerk-offs like you.
Maybe it takes longer to catch a total asshole.
but I'm tired of waiting.
Maybe, yes, it's just bullshit and I should play GOD,
and shoot you myself.*
Because I'm tired of waiting.

Consequences dictate
our course of action
and it doesn't matter what's right.
It's only wrong if you get caught.
If consequences dictate
my course of action
I should play GOD
and shoot you myself.
I'm very tired of waiting.

I should
kick you,
beat you,
fuck you,
and then shoot you in your fucking head.*
---tool---jerk off

2003-12-15T11:56:00.000-06:00

please?
i went to sleep yesterday a little before 7 and i woke up at 3 and then went back to sleep at 6, and then woke up at like 11. thats a lot of sleep, damnit! thats just a little above avg.

shopping was the most painful thing yesterday. never would i have thought that it would be, but it was. the rule was that i could buy anything that i wanted, yet that i had to go with my mom. which mall, vista ridge. i hate vista ridge. theres nothing in vista ridge that i would want to buy. so i aimlessly walked around department store, which i hate, trying to find something i liked. and then i went to american eagle and found something i liked yet i couldnt find a right size. and then i went to express and the jacket i wanted wasnt there anymore, so i got a shirt. this was really painful. and my mother dragged me to to wilsons leather bc she wanted me to buy a leather jacket. i refused many times, yet she didnt understand my hatred for leather. i hate leather. u have to have the right style for it too look rite and none of the clothes i have fit that category. then she wanted me buy some dress pants, and then again i refused bc i dont dress up to school, whats the pt of having them? then she got mad, and i was like im already mad. why is it that she wont buy me what i want and thinks her style of clothing is "stylish". ah no. no.

so now im waiting to hear from my insurance company about the accident, which was nothing at all. NOTHING! but whatever.

ill survive. actually im dreading today like a motherfucker. painfully dreading it, actually.

When you were here before, couldn't look in your eye
You're just like an angel, your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so FUCKIN' special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice, when I'm not around
You're so FUCKIN' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here, ohhh ohhhh

She's running AWAY....
She's running AWAY, she's run, run, run, run....run....

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so FUCKIN' special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
---radiohead---creep

2003-12-14T15:43:00.000-06:00

i am what i am
i can make up imaginary dreams in my head but all those fail in comparison to what my days really contain.

yesterday after i watched intolerable cruelty, which was intolerably dumb, i was driving on hebron when the lady in front of me suddenly braked and i hit her SUV. i drive a camry so hitting her car and 10 miles per hour wouldnt damage her car or mine to any extinct that i would care about. but she came out, and i immediately got a bad feeling. i should have trusted my feeling. i asked her if she was ok. she said she fine and came to check her car. there was nothing on her. but there was a scraped paint on mine. she still wanted my insurance and dl number. i asked her again, if she was ok, and she replied that she was. and i was struck that she wouldnt ask me if i was ok. she seemed too carefree and ok and all she wanted was me to give her my info. i wrote her my info and she checked it, she checked my dl, she checked my insurance card. i asked her again, if she was ok, and she replied that she was. i asked her for hers, and she asked why i would need hers when i hit her car. and i thought that sounded strange but i was panicked and so i asked her again. but she said no. and i being naive and thought that these scams dont happen to ppl like me, i gave her my stuff. she would only give me her phone number. and then she made me sign the paper that i wrote all my stuff on. so i got home and my mom told me to call her again, and i did. and she still refused and i gave it too my mom. she fought on the phone with my mom and refused to give her info and then she claimed that she had backinjuries. i had asked her if she was ok, and all those times she replied that she was ok.

this is what i have figured:
1. people are not as kind as they should be, and as i want them to be, where did all my cynism go?
2. people will take advantage of you every chance they get
3. i need to trust my instincts
4. she didnt have a dl or insurance

this is what is going to happen:
1. she will file a claim on monday
2. or she wont file a claim on monday
3. shes going to use the info i gave her for something else not particulary good
4. im going to be placed in witness protection agency bc im going to bust the bitch for what she is, and then her possy is going to want to kill me. good to know u guys.

i didnt sleep last night; spent the better part crying. i keep telling myself that im not going to be used but i keep being used. im brave, just stupid. i have a horrible headache. i cant sleep, i cant eat, i went to church, sat there dazed and confused. my stupidity caused my parents to fight yesterday and i hate when that happens. i talked to uncle today and he assured me that it was ok, and these do happen. but no sense in worrying now.

i cant help but feel dumb. i cant help but feel like crap. i cant help but feel used.

i still havent found a job and the fact that i still have to pay my dad 500 with this is stressing me out. i dont know what to do. i feel better about the incident today than i did yesterday. but i was planning to jump off the roof yesterday.

now, im going to go the mall with mom and dad so they can buy me a sweater.

all i can do play the keith urban song over and over. ive heard it so much the lyrics run dry. but theres some kind of closure that this song gives me. some kind of peace, and im taking every grasp of peace i can get now.

"WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE IS FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE.
SOME MEN YOU JUST CAN'T REACH...
SO, YOU GET WHAT WE HAD HERE LAST WEEK,
WHICH IS THE WAY HE WANTS IT!
WELL, HE GETS IT!
N' I DON'T LIKE IT ANY MORE THAN YOU MEN." *

Look at your young men fighting
Look at your women crying
Look at your young men dying
The way they've always done before

Look at the hate we're breeding
Look at the fear we're feeding
Look at the lives we're leading
The way we've always done before

My hands are tied
The billions shift from side to side
And the wars go on with brainwashed pride
For the love of God and our human rights
And all these things are swept aside
By bloody hands time can't deny
And are washed away by your genocide
And history hides the lies of our civil wars

D'you wear a black armband
When they shot the man
Who said "Peace could last forever"
And in my first memories
They shot Kennedy
I went numb when I learned to see
So I never fell for Vietnam
We got the wall of D.C. to remind us all
That you can't trust freedom
When it's not in your hands
When everybody's fightin'
For their promised land
And

I don't need your civil war
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
Your power hungry sellin' soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain't that fresh
I don't need your civil war
Ow, oh no, no, no, no, no

Look at the shoes you're filling
Look at the blood we're spilling
Look at the world we're killing
The way we've always done before
Look in the doubt we've wallowed
Look at the leaders we've followed
Look at the lies we've swallowed
And I don't want to hear no more

My hands are tied
For all I've seen has changed my mind
But still the wars go on as the years go by
With no love of God or human rights
'Cause all these dreams are swept aside
By bloody hands of the hypnotized
Who carry the cross of homicide
And history bears the scars of our civil wars

"WE PRACTICE SELECTIVE ANNIHILATION OF MAYORS AND
GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS FOR EXAMPLE TO CREATE A VACUUM
THEN WE FILL THAT VACUUM AS POPULAR WAR ADVANTAGE
PEACE IS CLOSER" **

I don't need your civil war
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
Your power hungry sellin' soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain't that fresh
And I don't need your civil war
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
I don't need your civil war
I don't need your civil war
Your power hungry sellin' soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain't that fresh
I don't need your civil war
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no uh-oh-uh, no uh-oh, uh no
I don't need one more war

I don't need one more war
No, no, no, no uh-oh-uh, no uh-oh, uh no
WHAZ SO CIVIL 'BOUT WAR ANYWAY?
(whistle)
---guns n' roses---civil war

2003-12-13T14:06:00.000-06:00

still yaWning
i went to bed last nite at like 10:00. im a lame ass foo. but i had nothing to do, so it seemed appropriate. but as i was laying in bed waiting for sleep, which didnt come for a long time, i was forced to hear on the eagle that kid rock is coming to DALLAS. well jumping Jehovah, the purpose of my life has now clear. i must MUST go watch some white trash sing. where is he singing, you ask? ah the arlington convention center. :sign: may i start laughing now? for those not accustomed to dallas, let me tell you all the places better than the arlington convention center. ah that would everywhere. arlington convention center holds....what, i dont know, but i know its shit. shit, i say. and saddly, i turned the country station and they were also giving away tickets to the kid rock show. now, imagine with me, what that audience looks like. but WAIT? when did kid rock turn into a country music star? im a fan of country music, well certain singers, so im aware of country music scene. then like a brick to head it came, this happened with the sheryl crow/kid rock duet. oh. i see. a that piece of crap. and what is up with his new song. "i feel like making love." i can't imagine anything worse than making love to that horrible piece of ugliness. SICKNESS. well making to love to pamela anderson. ah i heard that they broke up. ohh how touching. i feel for her. eh whatever. but im remebering when he was on ama's like two weeks ago and he had like this guitar solo at the beginning and then the curtains went up and there was that huge "LOVE" sign which turned on and off. if thats not ghetto, please tell me what is.

ahhh bashing bush time.

this is a great article about that "suprise" visit in iraq bush did on thanksgiving.

fake euthasim

ohhhh ohhhh bushy, hows life? never thought that little secret would get out!

what lyrics lyrics for today....im trying to get ludicris's youz a hoe, but i cant find the lyrics. so ash is picking some..

Publicly subsidized! Privately profitable!" That's the anthem of the upper-tier (the puppeteer untouchable). We focus a moment, nod in approval and bury our head back in the bar-codes of these neo-colonials while our former nemesis (ah, the romance!): the nation-state, now plays fund-raiser for a new brand of power-concentrate. Try again, but now we're confused- what is "class-war"? Is this class war? Yes, this is class war. And I'm just a kid- I can't believe that I gotta worry about this kind of shit! What a stupid world! Yeah, this is just beautiful... absolutely no regard for principle. What a stupid world. (We're): 1) born 2) hired 3) disposed! Where that job lands, everybody knows and you can tell by the smile on the CEO's that the environmental restraints are about to go. You can bet that laws will be set to ensure the benefit of unrestricted labor-laws (all kept in place by displaced government death squads). They own us. They produce us. They consume us. Can you fucking believe this? What a stupid world. Fuck this bullshit display of class-loyalties. The media and "our" leaders wrap it all up in a flag- their fucking shit-rag. hooray!
---Propaghandi---And We Thought That Nation-States Were A Bad Idea

2003-12-12T18:37:00.000-06:00

where's my cane?
i think i should retire and move to florida, for i just caught myself watching wheel of fortune. i even solved the thing. ehick. god im bored. BORED!!!!!!! i hate my life.

making peace w/ some issues, and thought of this...
TO ALL THE ASSHOLES WHO CANT DRIVE:
this pertains to:
1. all the assholes who park too close to me
2. all the assholes who think its ok to be stopped in my lane while im heading toward you at over 50 just so u can make it to the other side faster
3. all the assholes who go under the speed limit
4. all the assholes who sit in a green light looking after their kids
5. all the assholes who talk on the cell phone and think its ok
6. all the assholes who think they own all the lanes on the road
7. all the assholes who freak bc it starts sprinkling
8. all the assholes who own a truck that sounds like garbage truck
9. all the assholes who think i need to listen to their music
10. all the assholes who wait until i fully reverse out of my garage and while im staring at them decide its time to honk
11. all the assholes who park in my lane
WATCH OUT! THE BITCH DONT CARE ANYMORE. U DIE, ILL SEE U IN HELL. IF NOT, ILL SUE UR MOTHERFUCKIN ASS FIRST.

and this...
adam and God are walking in the garden, and adam says to God "thankyou for making eve, she is a great companion." God says "well adam, i did that so you would love her." adam continues "and she is a great cook." God says "well adam, i did that so you would love her." adam continues "she is great because helps me find branches for the fire." God says "well adam, i did that so you would love her." "but God," adam says " shes not that bright." "well adam," god says " i did that so she would love you

2003-12-12T13:19:00.000-06:00

rainy morning
this morning i woke up at like 12, which is later than i usually wake up. i went to sleep at like 1030 too. hot damn.

but i remember my dream, which this time i wish i really didnt. it was me, "him," and a couple of other people. and we were running from or too something. and there were two cars i could take, and his car felt like the "bad" car for some reason. and this other guy was like who are u going with. and i stood there and i went with "him." it was this old jacked up car, but still i went with him, which was filled with grls. and then we were at a grocery store and he was picking ice cream. and i was walking with him. and he decided that he would buy one cone for all the people in the car. and i was like hell no, im not going to share that with other people.

i understand what this metaphorically means. i just wish i could take all the feelings i had for him and throw them into the fire.

i need a job. my mother told all the places i should apply. i was like thanks, bc i didnt think of those already.

woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday
---keith urban--you'll think of me someday

2003-12-11T21:54:00.000-06:00

what?
i, for some god awful reason, volunteered to call all the youth for the potluck fisco. no one is home. and others in the family keep telling me when they will be home. I DONT GIVE A SHIT. no u tell them to call me back. i dont give rats ass when they get home, whether its 30 min or in an hour. no thanks. call me damnit. i dont live my life for you.

shit.

ok OK, i just got into trouble bc i was making calls. apparently my parents dont know how to fucking work a oven. shit. they just yelled at me bc i wasnt watching thier pizza and now its burned. ah hello! i understand i put it in, but i figure if u have lived in this house for over 3 years, and lived in america for oh over 10 years, u would know how to press the cancel button on a fucking oven after checking to see if the cheese was melted. WTF. WTF.

shit.

oh and i looked at my overall grades for the semester. SHITTY. fuck. if chem didnt take so much of my time, maybe i could have worked on my other classes some. HELL. RRRRR! i just figured out the numbers, and i have to belt down next sem and make all 4.0's to get some decent avg. at utd, that aint fucking happening either.

shit.

all i need is a job. why wont people fucking call me back damnit!

2003-12-11T13:24:00.000-06:00

student finds larghest prime number
now i can die happily.

2003-12-11T12:35:00.000-06:00

bored
i get bored easily. most commonly with people, and things. (never u amy) so im going to create a new blogger. bang bang! hell ya!
--you didnt think it was going to be that easy did you? you know for a second there yea, i kinda did.--i think shes my hero. jennifer garner was for a long ass time. now it her. my HERO!

ok so im going to create a new page now. ill prob write in this one for some more days while i create the other one. i need some ideas, so itll take a while.

bang bang!

ps- i took "his" name out of my cell last nite; in case i call him while im sleeping and scream pussy ass george bush lover.

better safe than sorry.

I been lookin' for a trace
Lookin' for a heart
Lookin' for a lover in a world that's much too dark
You don't want my love
You want satisfaction
You don't need my love
You gotta find yourself another
Piece of the action

Said where you goin'
What you gonna do
I been lookin' evrywhere
I been lookin' for you

You don't want my love
You want satisfaction
You don't need my love
You gotta find yourself another
Piece of the action
'Cause you're crazy
You're fuckin' crazy
Ya know you're crazy
I said you're crazy

Say boy where ya comin' from
Where'd ya get that point of view
When I was younger
Said I knew someone like you
And they said
You don't want my love
You want satisfaction
You don't need my love
You gotta find yourself another
Piece of the action
'Cause you're crazy
You're fuckin' crazy
You know you're crazy
I said you're crazy
Ooh you're crazy
You know you're crazy
Well you're crazy
You know you're crazy

You know you are
Bring it down
You're fuckin' crazy

---guns n' roses--You're Crazy

2003-12-10T22:33:00.000-06:00

the wedding
i just spent the last two hours watching the "trista and ryan," rather the "trista marries pink surrounded by helicopters" wedding episode on abc. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! the extravagance of this wedding is insane, as follows:

2 specially designed Badgley Mischka gowns
30,000 roses flown in from Ecuador
$50,000 diamond and platinum Stuart Weitzman shoes for Trista

SHOES! so thats all i can find for rite now, and thats insane. bc i remember the grand total was almost 4 million. and thats INSANE SHIT. insane shit. id be fucking happy, for LIFE, with 4 million dollars.

ok in other news, i just signed up at the kucinich site as a volunteer. GO ME! ill help you dude, and if i had some money, id donate that too.

im sending good karma around, so i can get a job. yep yep. i hate the fact that i cant say yay anymore.

bang bang!

2003-12-10T17:47:00.000-06:00

87
hell YA! YES YES YES. I FUCKING GOT A 87. hell yea i did. hell ya i did. i got a 87(w/ curve of course) on dickmans final. hell ya. hell ya. fucking shit. HELL YA. ahahaha. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ok stopping now. hehe good times, good times. mother and father acted like it was nothing. fuck them. FUCK THEM. hell, shit. i made a 87. and then she made me mad cause she kept telling me what i got on the other tests, and i was like i dont know. but the wound of up toy was like what did u get? i DONT FUCKING KNOW. HELLO?? jesus. ahhh anyway, i think i want a nap. im going to take a nap.

but me and amy went to galleria after we looked at our grades, which is the best medicine. and i applied at this really cool place. a place i wouldnt mind working, thankfully. it had all my criteria, whats that u ask?

my criteria for a job:
1- not too many ppl
2- dont have to dress up
3- have something that i wouldnt mind buying
4- have more stuff that i wouldnt buy
5- not many ppl who are uppety uppetys
6- at a mall
7- random walkins by hot guys
8- close to hot guys (ae)
9- mostly older ppl (not teenagers)

i also realised some things!

things i realised today:
1- me and amy will be friends till were in the grave
2- we're gonna open up an antique store when were 88
3- after this mentioning, we will not talk about stephen, ever again. he is erased from my memory. we will never even talk about him. EVER.
4- men SUCK
5- men are fools

im a fucking good catch. im not trying to sound arrogant. but i pride myself for what i am. and what am i?
1- intelligent
2- care about humanity
3- interested in poltics
4- dont shit about other ppl
5- love to read
6- a great taste in movies. ie: kill bill, old school, bad santa,
7- i have morals and values. and i stand up for what i believe in
8- care about the enviroment
9-DEMOCRAT
10- dont kiss no ass
11- a thinker (phil wise)
12- great eccentric taste in music ie: tool, eva cassidy, pat green, bach, santa esmeralada
13- dont talk for the sake of talking

im just sad that men dont realise that. but FUCK THEM.